It’s time, once again, to get to know Meghan Markle for who she truly is (the worst), to connect with her (merchandise) profoundly, and to share in those (privacy please!) special moments that are now commodities.
Our Duchess of Despair and Endless Grievance has done a sit-down with yet another dear, dear friend — this time, it’s Jamie Kern Lima, who sold her IT Cosmetics company to L’Oréal for $1.2 billion in 2016 — to speak about ‘intentionality,’ how Meghan has rescued scores of women from human trafficking just by wearing a certain pair of jeans, Meghan’s childhood report cards, and how much Harry and their kids adore her.
Save yourselves. Do not listen to a moment of this. That’s what I’m here for.
These two present themselves as just a couple of awesome Montecito moms who enjoy getting together in their ‘cozies,’ sitting in rocking chairs, and having a glass of wine while working toward billionaire status.
Jamie, one would think, is a powerhouse. I’m not so sure. She speaks as if she’s a baby who just inhaled helium.
The overall effect is of someone so cloying, so needy, that the entire podcast is impossible to take seriously.
Here these two sit, make-up free, they say (so authentic), even though their skin looks suspiciously even-toned and glowy.
So, right off the bat we get the feeling we’re not getting the whole story.
It’s time, once again, to get to know Meghan Markle for who she truly is (the worst), to connect with her (merchandise) profoundly, and to share in those (privacy please!) special moments that are now commodities.
Here’s how Jamie opens this ‘deep,’ ‘profound,’ ‘intimate’ conversation with Meghan: ‘My very first question… and I think so many people also have this question for you. Meghan, how are you? And are you okay?’
This isn’t a troll. Not by a long shot.
Jamie, an embarrassment to sycophants everywhere, seems to really mean it — despite this being the same question asked of Meghan, as we first were getting to know her, while she was visiting impoverished African kids in her official royal capacity.
Markle’s unforgettable reply to British reporter Tom Bradby in 2019: ‘Thank you for asking, because not many people have asked if I’m okay.’
Back then, Meghan could cynically and successfully elicit sympathy. That’s not working anymore, and hallelujah for small mercies.
Next, Meghan tells us she was born for greatness — nay, that she was great before she was born, before she was even conceived.
‘Oh gosh, how silly,’ she begins.
Gosh golly gee whiz. Nobody, nowhere, speaks like this. It’s as if she’s using overly saccharine language to cover the true ugliness that might more accurately define her.
‘Someone said to me last year, when I sat down, they said, “Well, you know, this is your soul contract. You signed up for this. You signed up for this before you were here.”‘
Wow. Meghan clearly believes she’s a divine royal being, even though anyone else would think, ‘You mean I signed up to marry a thick beta royal?’ — ‘thick’ being the sainted Diana’s description of her son, by the way.
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Meghan and Jamie think that when they get together it’s a brain trust. It’s sparks, two geniuses at work, changing the world through make-up and jeans.
This, despite Jamie showing her limitations by repeating, at least four times, the phrase ‘all of the sudden.’
It must have taken everything in Meghan’s power not to correct her — as she corrected, to great scorn, her Netflix guest Mindy Kaling for calling her ‘Meghan Markle.’
‘You know I’m Sussex now,’ Meghan sniped.
So relatable. So likable.
Jamie goes on to regale us with tales of Meghan’s heroism and bravery. Like the time they were on the playground, and a child fell, and Meghan went right over to help said child, who was not even her own.
You know, what the rest of us would call the absolute bare minimum any decent person would do.
Or the time Meghan dropped off a gift basket to Jamie when guests were coming. We get nearly ten minutes on this selfless act, which Meghan says is capable of ‘changing lives.’
Right as this podcast dropped, Meghan inched closer to showing us her children — even though she ostensibly fled the UK to keep her family away from the media.
But Mummy’s got merch to move, and so Meghan, on Monday morning, dropped an Instagram story showing Lilibet’s hand, allowing us to hear little Lili’s voice offscreen, calling Meghan’s jam ‘beautiful.’
An increasing afterthought is Harry, who Meghan diminishes on this podcast interview by calling him ‘that man.’
Say what you will about Harry, but he is a prince of the royal blood. How can he stand this?
‘That man,’ Meghan tells us, ‘loves me so much.’
The narcissist rears her head. The mask slips.
Mummy’s got merch to move, and so Meghan, on Monday morning, dropped an Instagram story showing Lilibet’s hand, allowing us to hear little Lili’s voice offscreen, calling Meghan’s jam ‘beautiful.’
It’s never about how much Meghan loves Harry, or how beautifully they support each other, or how much she loves their children. It’s always how much Harry and the children love her.
Further proof that Harry’s been relegated to the help: As they exited a black SUV and made their way into the Time100 Summit in New York last week, Harry reached for Meghan’s hand and she swerved him, reaching instead for someone else, anyone else, to hug.
Someone, I suppose, of importance. Someone who could help Brand Meghan.
There’s only room for one real star in the family now — and if Harry doesn’t realize that soon, he is well and truly lost.