The Walz are closing in.
After Minnesota Governor Tim Schmaltz’s older brother Jeff announced on Facebook last week that he’s voting for Trump in November – another devastating family dirty bomb exploded on social media on Wednesday:
A picture of eight members of Tim Walz’s extended family mugging it up in matching ‘Nebraska Walz’s (sic) for Trump’ t-shirts.
That got attack-dog tongues wagging.
If Timmy’s corn-fed flesh and blood are voting against him, they asked, shouldn’t we all?
Minnesota Governor Tim Schmaltz’s older brother Jeff (pictured with wife Laurie) announced on Facebook last week that he’s voting for Trump in November.
A picture of eight members of Tim Walz’s extended family mugging it up in matching ‘ Nebraska Walz’s (sic) for Trump’ t-shirts.
It turns out the Nebraska Walzs are descendants of the brother of Tim Walz’s grandfather – and the two branches of that gnarled tree have never grown close.
Still, it’s another greasy brush stroke in an ugly portrait of the most obscure VP pick in modern political history.
When politically-fratricidal Jeff Walz was asked on Facebook if he could talk his baby bro out of gulping down the pinko Kool-Aid, he replied:
‘Haven’t spoke to him in 8 years. I’m 100 percent opposed to all his ideology. My family wasn’t given any notice that he was selected and denied security the days after.’
Smooth move, joy brigade. No one in Camp Kamala thought to stop this bitter black sheep from bleating?
When reporters caught up with Toothy Tim’s Cain in the blood-red Florida Panhandle, big bro had more fighting words.
‘[Tim Walz is] not the type of character you want making decisions about your future.’
What? Do tell! If this guy is a total creeper, America must be informed.
Walz’s carefully choreographed, casserole-recipe sharing, ‘aw shucks’ act is looking as fake as Joe Biden’s hair plugs.
If Timmy’s corn-fed flesh and blood are voting against him, they asked, shouldn’t we all?
Tim fibbed about his business record, embellished his military service and coaching exploits and flat-out lied about his wife’s fertility treatments.
Asked to explain why he once claimed to have carried a gun ‘in war’ even though he’s never been in a warzone, he blamed it on being an idiot.
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‘My wife the English teacher told me my grammar is not always correct,’ he squeaked.
Maybe, he’s related to the Nebraska Walzs after all!
Could it be that Minnesota Tim from The Land Of 10,000 Fakes is a cold-calculating weirdo posing as Joe Sixpack.
Local football coach?
Check.
Gay student faculty advisor?
Check.
Drunk-driving high school teacher?
Oops!
And the aspiring Veep isn’t alone in his familial estrangement.
Lady Boss Mamala has a pretty bad relationship with her Popala.
Donald Harris owns a home less than a mile away from the White House but there’s no record of him ever visiting his daughter there.
In 2018, Big Daddy got big mad when Kamala joked about smoking the devil’s lettuce and blew a cloud of stinky stuff on his Jamaican side of the family.
Lady Boss Mamala has a pretty bad relationship with her Popala.
‘Half my family’s from Jamaica, are you kidding me?’ she cackled.
Dutchie Donald was not amused.
‘My dear departed grandmothers… as well as my deceased parents must be turning in their grave right now to see their family’s name, reputation and proud Jamaican identity being connected, in any way, jokingly or not with the fraudulent stereotype of a pot-smoking joy seeker and in the pursuit of identity politics,’ he wrote.
‘Speaking for myself and my immediate Jamaican family, we wish to categorically dissociate ourselves from this travesty.’
Pantsuit Pinocchio and Coach Falsehood may be great for each other, but if their alienated kin are any measure of their integrity – they may be a disaster for the country.
Wash, dry or… oh my!
Katy Perry’s music isn’t selling like it used to – so the Teenage Dream star, now just one month shy of 40, is getting desperate.
Speaking on the ‘Call Her Daddy’ podcast, Perry revealed her X-rated hack for avoiding the age-old problem of dishpan hands.
You see, if her partner Orlando Bloom partner leaves the kitchen spotless, she rewards him with an oral cleaning service of her own.
Full disclosure: Orlando once got a massage at my house. Why? A real lady never rubs and tells.
Speaking on the ‘Call Her Daddy’ podcast, Perry revealed her X-rated hack for avoiding the age-old problem of dishpan hands.
Benevolent ‘retail’ Queen
Never shy when talking about herself, the Duchess of Montecito has been busy singing her own praises for investing in ‘Cesta Collective’, a handbag brand that weaves its worthy wares in Rwanda.
Meghan said of the new venture last month: ‘I spend a lot of time Googling, just looking for brands… Times where I know there is a global spotlight, and attention will be given to each detail of what I may or may not be wearing, then I support designers that I have really great friendships with… that’s one of the most powerful things I’m able to do, and that’s simply wearing, like, an earring.’
Just think of all the ‘powerful things’ she could do if she wore, like, two earrings.
Perhaps she should spend less time ‘Googling’ and more time shoring up jam sales.
After all, Meghan has reportedly struggled to find a CEO for her lifestyle brand American Riviera Orchard, which launched in March but still has nothing to show for it amid a string of ongoing trademarking setbacks.
The Duchess of Montecito has been busy singing her own praises for investing in ‘Cesta Collective’, a handbag brand that weaves its worthy wares in Rwanda.
George of the Bungle
George Clooney is trying to rewrite the brutal history of the bloody coup to defenestrate his ‘friend’ Joe Biden.
It’s not two months since Mad King George turned his poison pen to the pages of the New York Times, scrawling a cruel op-ed slamming Sleepy Joe as old and unstable, and headlined: ‘We need a new nominee.’
Now Clooney’s the forgetful one, imperiously telling reporters this weekend that how Joe dropped out isn’t important (it is) but that ‘what should be remembered is the selfless act of someone who – you know, it’s very hard to let go of power.’
But he didn’t let go, did he, George? You, Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi stomped on his broken fingers until he could hold on no more.
With friends like these…
Snake oil for sale
Former supermodel Elle Macpherson is being wildly irresponsible by claiming chiropractic sorcery cured her breast cancer.
Dozens of experts had recommended more traditional treatments like chemo, radiation and a mastectomy – but The Body opted instead to hole up with dodgy doctors including one who calls themselves a ‘holistic dentist’ and a woman who claims to have cured her cancer with a juice detox.
Former supermodel Elle Macpherson is being wildly irresponsible by claiming chiropractic sorcery cured her breast cancer.
While it’s great that Macpherson is alive and well, she seems willfully oblivious to the fact her witch-doctory could influence other women into an early grave.
You know who also initally opted for ‘non-traditional’ cancer treatments like juicing?
Steve Jobs.
Can’t hear you
The lengths Kamala Harris will go to avoid answering tough questions are reaching slapstick levels.
Seen boarding Air Force Two on Monday with wired headphones in both ears and her phone glued to her ear as if on a call, the question shouldn’t be about her fear of cross-examination by reporters but: Do you know how to use your iPhone, Madame Vice President?
The lengths Kamala Harris will go to avoid answering tough questions are reaching slapstick levels.
Game, Set… Jerk
Miserable tennis skank Yulia Putintseva is at it again.
The Kazakhstani racquet-swinger famously flipped off the crowd after her 2019 n Open loss, and at this year’s US Open she outdid herself.
As Yulia-Gulia was going down in flames against Italian sensation Jasmine Paolini, an adorable ball girl tried to toss her balls for her next serve.
But this Putint-esca just stood there like a statue, as the fuzzy green orbs bounced passed.
That malarkey might play in the land of Borat, but New Yorkers have no stomach for a sniveling loser.
Hunter The Brave
Robert Hunter Biden is a true pioneer.
The troubled First Bum was the first son of a sitting President to go on criminal trial, the first to be convicted of a felony, the first to have his nude crack-binge photos published, the first (that we know of) to have fathered a child with a stripper — and now the first to plead guilty to a laundry list of tax crimes.
Lucky for Hunty, Coma Joe can ride to the rescue one last time with a presidential pardon or commutation — and the Big Guy doesn’t even need to peel himself off the beach lounger to do it.