Flash tourism ad campaigns might convince you Darwin is a great place to escape the winter chill. I can categorically assure you: It’s not.
Darwin is easily the worst city in , if you can even call it a city.
I recently spent a week there covering a court case and can confidently tell you it’s little more than a glorified country town – and not even a good one at that.
It made my 11-week stay in Victoria’s rural Traralgon feel like Beverly Hills compared to Darwin. Darwin even makes Traralgon’s dismal neighbour Morwell seem liveable.
It has all the allure of Skid Row in Los Angeles – without the jetlag or expense – and the charm and atmosphere of the smoking area at the pokies at 3am.
The city is filled with decaying, run-down buildings. Many of the buildings that are actually maintained are either empty, or for lease, or both.
The nightlife is a crude mix of farmers, miners, FIFO workers and the blue-rinse brigade tourists getting plastered on XXXX and various other brands of swill.
The main entertainment precinct, which is essentially confined to just one street, is a handful of bars which specifically cater for Darwin’s various breeds of boozehounds.
There’s the Irish bar with live music, drunks singing Sweet Caroline, XXXX on tap, live sport on TV and a dancefloor for ageing tourists.
Then there’s the five or six other bars which have live music, drunks singing Sweet Caroline, XXXX on tap, live sport on TV and a dancefloor for ageing tourists.
Darwin really does have every base covered in its diverse nightlife.
One night it looked like the town was getting hit with air attack missiles but it was just louts letting off fireworks in the middle of the street.
A rocket went off in the middle of the road and almost hit a car which I can only assume was driven by a semi-drunk driver as they didn’t stop their approach to the explosion site.
Another night we saw a bloke lying facedown in a gutter. I was pretty sure he was dead but it didn’t seem to bother the marauding bogans who just stepped over him.
Even the pub bouncer barely gave his motionless body a glance.
Was anyone rushing to get this guy some help? I didn’t see any police or paramedics, and about half an hour later when we circled back, the bloke was still lying there.
Outside of this tragic nightlife strip, there was barely anything else to do in this ‘city’.
You’re probably thinking a town this dull would be pretty cheap in a desperate bid to entice tourism, but laughably, no. Not even close.
This is one of the most expensive places I’ve ever visited in .
I get it – it’s remote, and that drives up costs, but charging more than $330 a night for a ‘hotel’ room which was on par with a below-average backpacker’s hostel is a joke.
I had the privilege of staying at this dump on my first night in Darwin. I had to barricade the door with my luggage and a chair because the lock was flimsy and anyone from the street could easily have broken in.
The next apartment complex I moved to was much nicer, but at $500 a night, I expected the Taj Mahal.
Anyway, as everyone knows, Darwin is brutally hot, so I often started my day with an iced latte which I nearly choked on when I found out it cost $8.80.
I mean, am I crazy or is that a RIDICULOUS price for a coffee? People in Melbourne are complaining some cafes are bumping their coffee up to $6.
They should definitely avoid a trip to Darwin. The wallet shock will kill them.
I bought a McCain’s frozen supreme pizza from the Coles in Darwin’s CBD and it cost me almost $11, in a moment of modern day highway robbery.
I was almost tempted to scratch it and buy a pizza slice from the late-night ‘eatery’ on bogan street which looked like it had been there longer than Uluru.
Almost, but not quite. I had yet to reach that level of desperation.
And has anyone in tourism ever checked how much a flight to Darwin is? A one-way direct Virgin flight from Melbourne to Darwin – which arrived after midnight – was $1,169.
Let me repeat that, a one-way direct Virgin flight from Melbourne to Darwin which arrived after midnight was $1,169.
My return flight, which left at 12.35am and arrived in Melbourne just before 6am was a little better priced at $643, and that was the best one available.
Most of the flights left after 1am but if you wanted to depart Darwin at a more normal time, like 10am, it meant a 12-hour trip via Perth or Brisbane.
There was a direct Qantas flight which left during the day but the fare was north of $2,000 for a one-way flight.
So for a mere $5,000, you can fly to Darwin, spend four nights in average accommodation, before flying home at an ungodly hour.
Quick, everybody let’s rush to Darwin.
Darwin International Airport, as it is laughably calls itself, is an outback airstrip with the fancy addition of three, maybe even FOUR places to eat.
In a much publicised move, the airport even recently secured a Red Rooster outlet – an outlet I’ve gone out of my way to avoid eating at since about 1998.
However, some locals will have you believe ‘s lowest ranked fast-food chain has transformed the airport into an international hub to rival Heathrow, LAX and Paris Charles de Gaulle Airport.
Every city does have positives. The sunset was nice, but I’m pretty sure you can see the sun set almost everywhere else on the planet.
Its harbour looked fine and I think it had a beach, but no-one likes going to beaches, and if they say they do, they’re lying. Oh, and it has crocs.
But the one thing that shocked me about Darwin is that it has a China Bar – the renowned home of late-night noodles that fuels Melbourne’s dirty stopouts – and it really DOES stack up with Victoria’s best.
Sydney doesn’t have a China Bar, Tassie doesn’t and I don’t think there are any in Queensland but Darwin, Darwin has a China Bar. I couldn’t believe it.
It has dozens of locations throughout Victoria and the quality varies depending on which China Bar you visit – the city locations are good but Box Hill is the best.
But I can honestly say Darwin’s China Bar measures up to the one in Box Hill.
You pay about $3 more on average at the Darwin location but the laksa was good and we ate there three times during my visit.
Good on Darwin for getting something right.
The locals were nice – polite in a country kind of way. A lady named ‘Shirley’ who ran our hotel reception was also very funny, and provided top-tier service.
And the taxi drivers were on time and never tried to rip us off, unlike some dodgy cabbies in Melbourne.
I guess if you wanted to do some adventuring around the Northern Territory then Darwin may be a good base.
But don’t stay longer than one night – and move on VERY quickly to see the much more impressive rivers, rocks and crocodiles.
The court case I was covering is still going. I could be sent back. Please, please, PLEASE don’t make me.