Dear Jana,
I’ve been married for six years. My husband is the strong, silent type. The kind of man who chops wood, drives a truck and doesn’t talk much about his feelings.
When we first got together, he was a bit inexperienced in bed, but I loved that he was dependable. And I trained him up pretty well.
The sex has always been good, but not experimental in any way – no toys, no roleplay, not even much dirty talk. I used to be a lot more adventurous when I was a student, but less so when I met my husband.
Lately, I’ve started missing the old days, so I asked him if he had any fantasies he wanted to share. It took him time to open up, but when he did, I was floored.
My conservative husband – and I can’t believe I’m even writing this – told me he wants me to wear my wedding dress while telling him dirty stories about men I slept with before we met.
My literal wedding dress.
I laughed at first, thinking he was joking – but he wasn’t. He said the thought of me being ‘used’ by other men turned him on.
DailyMail+ columnist Jana Hocking offers frank advice to a woman whose conservative husband has a rather taboo sexual fantasy
I actually felt a little sick and haven’t touched him since.
Is this a common fantasy? I was trying to get him to open up physically, but this feels so degrading.
Regrets.
Dear Regrets,
Believe it or not, this is a much more common fantasy than you’d think. Plenty of men, conservative and otherwise, are turned on by the idea of their partner’s sexual past.
I don’t think it’s about judging you or wanting to see you ‘degraded’. It’s just dirty talk.
For your wood-chopping fella, it’s probably a cocktail of curiosity, excitement and wanting to know all sides of you – including the wild college version of you.
You absolutely don’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable – and yes, the wedding dress thing is a little out-there – but try not to see it as an insult.
The fantasy involves her wearing her wedding dress (stock image posed by models)
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It’s his kink – not a reflection of who you are as a person, or his love for you.
If you’re grossed out, say so, but don’t shame him.
My advice would be to reach a compromise. Tell him you’re happy for a bit of dirty ‘cuck talk’ but the wedding dress stays in the cupboard.
Dear Jana,
I’ve been sleeping with my married boss. It started at the office Christmas party (such a cliché, I know) and has been going on ever since.
The sex is amazing. Honestly, the secrecy just makes it hotter.
But now I’ve gone and caught feelings. He’s just so smart, and moves around the office with such confidence, it’s a massive turn-on.
Plus, he keeps telling me he would be with me ‘if things were different’. It’s messing with my head.
Do I wait and see if he actually leaves his wife? Or is ‘I wish things were different’ just something people say to keep you hanging on?
Office Romance.
Dear Office Romance,
Oh girl, that’s just a horny man stringing you along.
You’re not the first person to hear this – trust me, I’ve seen it happen more times than I can count. None of my friends who fell for the ‘I wish things were different’ line are now living happily ever after with their bosses. Sorry, but it’s true.
‘I wish things were different’ is basically the adult version of ‘maybe later?’
It sounds deep, but really it’s code for ‘I’m not planning to change a thing, but I’d like you to keep sleeping with me for as long as possible.’
You say he’s confident at work. Of course he is! He’s getting sex with someone who admires him and isn’t asking for anything real – he’s living his dream.
And as for the ‘he’s so smart’ thing? Smart men don’t get themselves tangled in secret office flings while they’re married. Smart men make decisions – this guy is making excuses.
So ask yourself: if he wasn’t your boss, if you met him on an app and he told you he had a girlfriend but still wanted to hook up – would you stick around? Or would you roll your eyes and move on?
It sounds like you’re already in too deep. It will only get messier from here. Don’t wait to be ‘chosen’. If he really wanted to leave his wife, he already would have.
Walk away before things go from hot to humiliating.
Dear Jana,
I’m 39 and dating apps have completely burnt me out.
Everyone either wants to text forever or ask me for nudes within five minutes. I don’t want that – I want to meet someone in real life.
I keep fantasising about bumping into someone at a bookstore or getting stuck in a lift with someone gorgeous. I know that sounds ridiculous, but surely it’s not impossible? Tell me I’m not crazy for still believing in real-world romance.
And if it is possible, where the hell are these men hiding?
The Last Romantic.
Dear The Last Romantic,
You are absolutely not crazy. You’re just a romantic living in a world obsessed with instant gratification and commitment-phobes (don’t worry, you’re in good company).
Of course you’re tired – so is every other woman exhausted by dreary conversations on dating apps.
It’s normal to daydream about bumping into a man who smells nice and reads books.
And this does happen – it just requires women to be a little proactive.
Rom-com ‘meet cutes’ are vanishingly rare, for sure, but real-world connections are still out there… if you help fate along a bit.
My advice? Join clubs, attend book launches, go to wine tastings, linger over a paperback in a nice bar. Even try the ‘accidentally drop your purse’ trick – it works.
Step one is to put your phone away and be open to approaches. Smile. Don’t be afraid to make the first move.
And this may be an odd-sounding tip – but buy yourself a new lipstick.
Not because you need it, but because it puts you in character as the leading lady of your own story. New lips, new confidence, new luck.
Go get ’em.