My dear friend Val was horrified when Carl, who she had just started dating, hired an acapella quartet in stripy suits and straw hats to show up at her office on Valentine’s Day and sing for her.
Now, Carl was a brave man because surely anyone would consider that a big gamble: would Val be swept away by this romantic, original and expensive gesture?
Or, as it turned out, would she want the ground to swallow her up? She called me for an emergency coffee date and asked: was he being funny or sadistic? Is he romantic or insane?
Valentine’s Day offers an opportunity to express our love or interest in someone through a gesture – usually with a price tag attached.
Vicky Reynal says ‘your generosity doesn’t have to be financial: we can show generosity by investing time in preparing something special’
However, for many, it’s a stressful day in which they are trying to second-guess what their partner might be expecting (to avoid disappointment or conflict!) and run the risk of overspending unnecessarily. So how do we decide what’s reasonable on Valentine’s Day?
If you are contemplating ‘going big’ I invite you to ask yourself: why? Quantifying what is ‘big’ is impossible as it’s subjective, but as you are considering the choice you know at some level if it’s on the excessive end of things. Stop and wonder: what are you hoping this gift will say or what do you imagine this gift will ‘buy’?
Are you hoping a big expensive gift will buy you love? Are you hoping it will compensate for your emotional unavailability (or whisper it – maybe even for your lack of a sex drive?)
What if you are trying to impress someone with a flourish at the start of a romance: are you hoping the ticket price of your Valentine’s gift will distract them from or compensate for your shortcomings?
Or are you one of those people hoping Valentine’s Day will come and go and your partner won’t notice because, actually, you prefer to save the money, you don’t believe in ‘commercial holidays’ and resent overpaying for flowers?
A few words of caution if this is you – because while you might save money on flowers, you might pay a high emotional price for taking this approach without appropriate communication with your partner.
There are two things I invite you to consider as you navigate this choice on Valentine’s Day: your intentions and your partner’s expectations.
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Intentions
Be clear with yourself on where you stand on V-Day. Are you hoping to avoid having to celebrate it?
Or do you see it as an opportunity to express something to your partner? If it’s the latter, then being very clear on what you mean to express is important: is it your love, gratitude, appreciation for your partner? Or are you buying an ‘I am sorry’ gift?
Maybe you want to reignite the spark that has been fading in your marriage or you are expressing a desire to take the relationship further with the person you’ve been dating casually.
Being clear on your intention can guide your choice and how much you spend on a gift: if you want to reignite an old spark, it might be more effective to do so through a thoughtful gesture (like revisiting the place of your first date, or arranging for the kids to stay with the grandparents so you can have dinner a deux at home) which will be a cheaper and more effective way to say ‘I want to invest in our relationship.’
Spending more is not what will make the message be heard – money has no magical qualities: it can only support a message reinforced by words (maybe in the accompanying card) and through actions – like putting thought into the gift.
Expectations
As you contemplate the question of what to buy, how much to spend, bear in mind your partner’s expectations.
If you are in a new relationship, with no clue about what your partner hopes you will do on Valentine’s Day you might want to gather some information first.
What do they think about it? Do they tend to celebrate it? You are in the exciting and nerve-wracking beginning of the relationship, where you are setting their expectations for a future with you: are you more romantic or cynical? Withholding or generous? Your generosity doesn’t have to be financial: we can show generosity by investing time in preparing something special.
Keep all that in mind as you choose something that feels genuine but considerate. So even if you are 100 per cent against the idea of Valentine’s Day, if they have told you they ‘can’t wait and are so excited’ you are about to show them whether or how you compromise.
Spending no money or effort on Valentine’s Day without knowing that they agree with your view of it is a risky strategy: I have seen the no-gift approach be interpreted as ‘he doesn’t love me,’ ‘he is no longer interested,’ ‘he is clearly a selfish human being’. So it might be wiser to have a conversation about it and explain your reasons, leaving room for a compromise.
Vicky also says: ‘We all have different views of what is too expensive or cheap, funny or embarrassing, cute or corny’
But going overboard with extravagant gifts might be an equally risky approach: your partner (if you share finances) might even be upset that you spent so much money on something ‘unnecessary.’
If you are in a long-term relationship, expectations might be clear by now – maybe you exchange cards every year, or you are both fine without celebrating it.
Yet while you still have a choice of repeating the possibly comfortable pattern you are in – you can always break the pattern to make a new statement. If this is the case – it won’t be the price tag that will generate the response, but the fact that you did something different from the ‘usual’ with a positive intention.
If you do that, why not back it up with words to help your partner make meaning of your gesture (instead of leaving the interpretation to their own assumptions or even suspicions!).
We all have different views of what is too expensive or cheap, funny or embarrassing, cute or corny. If we got it wrong and our partner is upset with us, be curious about why they thought it was a poor choice, but also about what might be going on beyond the giving and spending on a gift: what meaning have they given to this gift?
Don’t deny their feelings as they are entitled to them but rather, remind them of your intentions so they can see another way to interpret it. And what did Carl say to Val? ‘I wanted you to feel special.’
So on Valentine’s Day remember: take your partner’s expectations into account but spending a lot of money on a gift won’t convey a message more clearly than words or gestures. As my example with Carl shows: bigger isn’t always better.
Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email her at [email protected]
