Dear Vanessa,
I think my marriage might be over, but I’m not ready to face it yet. My wife and I have been married for 22 years, and while we’ve had our ups and downs, things have felt different lately. She’s distant, always on her phone, and has started spending more time out of the house. I can’t help but wonder if she’s seeing someone else.
The thing is, I don’t want to bring it up. What if I’m wrong? I’m terrified of accusing her unfairly and ruining what we still have. But even if she isn’t cheating, I feel like we’ve grown apart. We don’t talk like we used to, and when we do, it’s mostly about day-to-day logistics.
What’s making things harder is her spending. She loves shopping and has always been a bit of a spender, but it’s become excessive. I’ve tried to broach the topic gently, but it always ends in an argument. I’m 55 and planning to retire in the next seven to eight years, but I’m worried we won’t have enough saved if this continues.
I feel stuck. I love her, and I don’t want to give up on our marriage, but I’m scared of what the future holds. What should I do?
Mike.
Dear Mike,
First, let me say how brave you are for acknowledging these feelings. It’s not easy to face the cracks in a long marriage, let alone express them. You’re at a crossroads, and while it may feel overwhelming, this is also an opportunity to reassess your priorities and open up communication with your wife.
Let’s tackle your concerns one at a time.
The Elephant in the Room
Your suspicion about infidelity is weighing heavily on you, and understandably so. But before jumping to conclusions, consider the possibility that your wife’s behaviour may stem from other issues – stress, dissatisfaction, or even boredom. Instead of confronting her with accusations, approach the conversation with curiosity and compassion. Choose a calm moment and say something like, ‘I feel like we’ve been distant lately, and I miss how we used to connect. Is there anything we can do to get back on track?’ This invites honesty without creating defensiveness.
The Spending
Financial tension is one of the biggest strains on a marriage. While you can’t control your wife’s spending, you can approach the topic as a team. Sit down together and take a clear look at your finances. Use this moment to discuss your shared goals, like your retirement timeline. Frame it as a partnership: ‘I want us to enjoy a secure future together, and I’m worried our current spending might make that harder.’
It could also be helpful to enlist a third party, like a financial adviser, to guide the discussion objectively. Many super funds offer advice services, so check with yours to see what’s available. Or, you can use my free service to help find an adviser.
Rebuilding the Connection
Even if your wife isn’t ready to open up right away, small actions can help rebuild intimacy. Make time for each other – date nights, walks, or even a coffee catch-up. Show her you’re willing to invest in your relationship and see if she reciprocates.
Finally, if things don’t improve, counselling could be a game-changer. Sometimes, having a professional mediator allows both partners to speak freely and work through deeper issues.
This stage in life is often a turning point for many couples. The decisions you make now will shape not just your relationship, but your future happiness and financial security. Whether or not your wife is on the same page, taking these steps will give you clarity and confidence to move forward – whatever that looks like.
Remember, no matter the outcome, you’re not alone in this. Many people face similar struggles and find a way through.
Wishing you all the best,
Vanessa.