Dear Jane,
In the fall of 2022, we made the decision to enroll our son in an expensive private school for several different reasons, largely because he needed a lot more attention and focus from teachers than he was getting at his regular public school.
And while it hasn’t been the easiest thing for myself and my husband to deal with financially, seeing how far he’s come along in his education has more than made up for the burden of the cost.
However, it’s also been tricky getting our heads around how differently things work in the private school world, from the social stuff with other parents to the intense politics behind the scenes, not to mention the insane pressure that is put on these kids every day.
Then there are the teachers… my son had a great first year and achieved so much under his sixth grade teacher, so we were delighted to find out that she was going to be taking him through seventh grade as well.
But this year, something has been a bit off with her behavior. She’s not giving our child anywhere near the same attention that she used to and has been punishing him for what seem like totally unfair reasons.
Dear Jane, my son’s teacher has been treating him appallingly – and now other parents have told us it’s because we didn’t give her a summer bonus
Dress code violations because his uniform was ‘messy’, detention for asking a question without raising his hand… if it was a one-off, I’d have let it slide but it’s become so relentless that he’s now dreading going to school every morning.
I mentioned this to one of the other parents and asked if they’d experienced the same thing – to which they asked whether I’d been ‘unfair’ with my ‘summer bonus’ for the teacher?
Maybe I’m a complete idiot when it comes to these things but I had no idea that teachers expected some kind of financial compensation from the parents?! Since when did it become routine to tip teachers?
Obviously in her eyes we were very ‘unfair’ with her ‘summer bonus’ because we had no idea that she was supposed to get one. And it seems ridiculous to me that we should ever have had to consider it?
But now I’m in the sh***y position of watching my kid be unfairly picked on with no idea of how to iron it all out. Do I mail her an envelope filled with cash? My son is already trying to get out of going back to school after the holidays and I hate that I’m basically feeding him to the wolves.
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers’ most burning issues in her Dear Jane agony aunt column
Any suggestions on how I can get this wolf to back off?
From,
Feeling Sheepish
Dear Feeling Sheepish,
Once upon a time, when one of my kids was much younger and struggling in middle school, we applied to the local private school in our area.
When we walked in, the admissions director immediately told me she had read all of my novels and was a huge fan. Well, thought I, smugly. My child is a shoo-in. All our child had to do was pass the entrance exam, and this is a very smart kid.
On the day of the exam we dropped our child off, and picked them up afterwards to discover the exam was ‘fine’. It turned out, it wasn’t fine, they failed the exam, and we didn’t get in.
It was only afterwards that I was told that every child who takes the entrance exam at this particular school goes through intensive (and expensive) tutoring first, which essentially walks them through exactly how to take an exam.
Passing or failing has nothing to do with how clever the child is, but rather whether or not they have been taught how to pass a specific exam.
I tell you this story only because I know what it is to be unfamiliar with customs, and how you can end up unwittingly hurting a child because you don’t know the customs of the school.
I have done my own research amongst friends with children in various private schools, and no-one has heard of giving a summer tip, although things may be different at your school. Your first step is to find out if this is normal practice at this school.
Dear Jane…
Either way, a teacher’s job is to teach, not to punish. Until you sit down with the teacher and find out why your son is suddenly being punished, and whether it is warranted or not, you do not have the full picture.
If, at the end of that conversation you still believe that your son is being unfairly punished, you can then ask if this has anything to do with your prior lack of familiarity with the ‘summer bonus’. Only then can you decide what to do.
Dear Jane,
My dad is a lovely person who would do anything for anyone. But… he has these horrible mood swings that are impossible to deal with.
He will say the most hurtful things to me and my family, then snap out of it and carry on as normal, as if nothing had happened.
He stayed with us for Christmas and it was like walking on eggshells in case he started getting upset – which he did, regularly.
Even when I asked him not to do the dishes because I wanted us all to relax together. But instead of taking the opportunity to spend time with us and ignore the chores, he flew into a rage that left everyone feeling in a bad mood.
I know the medication that he’s on can cause mood swings because it has happened in the past, but I have no idea how to approach it with him in case it sets him off again.
Honestly I was relieved when he left.
But now he’s talking about staying again later in the year and I don’t know if I can tolerate him in my home again.
How can I deal with this?
From,
Parental Guidance
Dear Parental Guidance,
I am so sorry you have gone through this, and know what it is like to walk on eggshells around someone, terrified they are about to explode. What is called for here is boundary setting. You can’t change your father’s mood swings, but you can work out strategies to protect yourself and your family.
Setting clear and firm boundaries with a raging parent is one of the hardest things in the world, as is enforcing them.
It takes practice, and holding firm, but gets easier as you do it more. Remember that you didn’t cure his mood swings, you cannot control them, nor can you cure them.
The only thing you can do is protect yourself from those outbursts by discussing this behavior with him, before he arrives to stay, telling him what your boundaries are, and what the consequences will be if he crosses them.
Boundaries are always more effective if you can work together to discuss them.
Setting a boundary might look something like saying to your father, ‘I feel scared/overwhelmed/upset when you explode. I understand that you are not feeling good in those moments, and I am requesting that you leave the house until you calm down.’
There is nothing else you need to add, and should he explode the next time he stays, you insist he leaves until he is calm.
For someone who has not had a healthy boundary set before, it can be very hard, initially, to respect them. Particularly when it is a beloved family member.
Holding firm and following through with the consequence is hard, but is the only way to teach someone what is and is not acceptable. It’s less about changing their behavior, that it is about protecting yourself and your house.