Dear Jane,
I am so jealous of my mother that it’s ruining my life.
It sounds dramatic, but it’s become the only thing I can think about and the obsession is seeping into every aspect of my life.
Three years ago, my mom met a younger man at the grocery store where she worked. At the time, he was 40 and she was 52 – they are now happily married, and she has become the most spoiled woman I know.
She was always slim and beautiful, but now she is dressed head-to-toe in designer clothing and spends her days playing tennis and working out, all while receiving an enormous allowance from her husband, which amounts to more money than I make in a month.
He makes more than enough money to support them both, so she doesn’t have to worry about working a day in her life ever again. Instead she can just enjoy living in their beautiful mansion, where she never has to lift a finger, or jetting off on one of their many trips abroad.
Dear Jane, my mother has an amazing life – and my jealousy towards her is tearing my own life apart. How do I get over it once and for all?
Dear Jane…
I should be happy for her. I know that.
And I also know that she has done nothing wrong here. I should be thrilled that my mother has found happiness with a successful, generous, handsome, intelligent guy who is so in love with her. But the truth is, I can’t stand how happy they are.
Being around her makes me feel miserable about my own life. I’m single, I’m overweight, I’m struggling for money – and I despise that she has everything I so desperately want. Whenever we are out together, I see people looking at her with envy and admiration – even lust – and it just makes my blood boil.
Every time I am with her, I think of all the things that my own life is lacking.
I’ve even gone as far as to tell her husband some very nasty things about her in an effort to break them up, but every time he just smiles at me and tells me to mind my own business.
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It seems so unfair that he has fallen for my mom instead of someone his own age – but no matter how hard I try to ignore these feelings, the rage eventually boils over and I want to scream.
How can I stop this unhealthy obsession?
From,
Daughter In Despair
Dear Daughter in Despair,
The problem with jealousy, with all kinds of ugly feelings like resentment and envy, is that allowing them to fester is like pouring yourself a bottle of poison, but expecting the other person to get sick.
The only person you are harming here is yourself, and it’s no way to live. There will always be people better off, wealthier, who have easier lives than you, just as there will always be people who are worse off.
The only way out of the kind of toxic jealousy you’re feeling is to shift your focus to one of gratitude. However much you think your life may suck, I urge you to focus on the things that are working, that are good, that bring you joy.
In fact, whenever you find a negative thought about your mother creeping in, I would urge you to immediately think of three things you are grateful for.
The science has proven that gratitude transforms lives, particularly when we are programmed to spiral into negativity.
Please find a therapist to work this through.
This kind of jealousy will never lead to happiness, and I suspect you need help on your journey to being grateful for what you do have, to choosing to focus on the blessings rather than the burdens, both of which will lead to a happy life.