Alert – DEAR JANE: I told my friends about a secret kink and now they won’t speak to me… I thought all women did it!

Dear Jane,

Until last week, I thought I could tell my best friends anything.

We met at college and have stayed close since, a ten-strong group of girlfriends sticking together through break-ups, job dramas, family feuds – you name it.

We’re now in our early thirties and most of us are married (a few have kids). In other words, none of us are inexperienced or prudes.

So, when we were all together for a catch-up dinner last week, four bottles of rosé deep, and the conversation turned risqué, I didn’t think anything of it.

We were sharing about our sex lives when one of my girlfriends turned and asked me cheekily, ‘Do you have any kinks?’

Dear Jane, I told my friends about a secret kink and now they won’t speak to me…

Everyone laughed, and without thinking I told them that sometimes I like it when my husband chokes me in bed. I thought it was so common, hardly even a ‘kink’, that I didn’t blush.

But the room fell silent. And as I looked around the table, I realized each of my friends was either gaping at me or looked really concerned.

It was so awkward! I asked them what the matter was and then found myself explaining that my husband always asked me first, or I actively requested it, and he always stopped when I wanted him to.

But they weren’t convinced and started peppering me with questions which seemed more like accusations.

Don’t you know that’s dangerous? Isn’t that anti-feminist? Does he pressure you into it?

It felt so judgmental, like it was everyone against me. The whole thing went on for about 30 minutes, and one of my friends even went so far as to suggest that my husband – who they have all known for five years – is abusive.

I was so taken aback at the time that I didn’t know what to do and just tried to move the conversation on. But, for the rest of the evening, the dynamic felt painfully uncomfortable, and I went home really upset.

Since the dinner things have only got worse.

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I’ve been posting messages and pictures in our group chat – which we all usually do incessantly – but the girls seem to be ignoring me, even dodging my questions about when we can next meet up.

And then yesterday, one of my closest friends sent me a link to a random blog post about why choking during sex is dangerous and an early sign of abuse. I didn’t know what to say.

I feel so embarrassed for myself and for my lovely husband, who would never hurt a fly but who all my friends now seem to think is violent.

I never thought choking was a big deal – as long as it was consensual, of course. In fact, I imagined everyone did it!

It was just a fun, throwaway comment to my best friends over a few drinks. I never thought they’d be so judgmental.

And now I really don’t know what to do. Should I apologize to my friends and tell a white lie, pretending that my husband and I have stopped? 

Or do I ignore them, hope it all blows over, and keep my private life a bit more private in future?

From,

Kink Shamed

Dear Kink Shamed,

Let me first tell you, as loudly and clearly as I can, that whatever your kink is – as long as it is consensual, and that you and your partner have clear boundaries and expectations – there is absolutely nothing wrong with it, whatever your friends say.

Choking during sex is known officially as erotic asphyxiation, and is colloquially sometimes referred to as breath play.

Kinks can sound very frightening to people who are not versed in what we might now call ‘non-vanilla’ sex – because, in the hands of the wrong people, some such practices can be dangerous enough to result in death.

When performed by people who know exactly what they are doing, however, breath play can intensify orgasms, flooding the body with dopamine and serotonin, blurring the thin line between pleasure and pain.

I’m sorry you didn’t realize that what you consider to be an entirely normal ‘kink’ may be difficult for others to accept. Part of life’s beauty is that we all like different things.

A lack of information is likely what’s causing your friends to think that your kink is not just dangerous, but a sign of abuse.

Given this, look to educate yourself, and then consider ways you can help educate your friends, if only to reassure them you are in safe hands.

After that, I would think twice about who you share such intimate sexual information with in the future – and I would avoid raising the topic with your friends again until they demonstrate that they’re capable of genuine curiosity without judgment.