Dear Jane,
My son just turned 17 and I’m starting to get very worried about a bad habit he has developed… which I think might be my fault.
When he was a baby, my husband and I had a very hard time weaning him. He refused to eat almost all solid foods and would cry until we gave him a bottle of baby formula or milk.
By the age of one, he would begrudgingly eat plain things like pasta, but he refused vegetables and almost anything with too much flavor.
Fast forward to today and my son is an extremely fussy eater. He eats cereal for breakfast and chicken nuggets and fries for every other meal, every single day.
His fussiness has always bothered me, but it’s not until recently that it has really started to become a worry.
His best friend’s mother reached out to me last week with some shocking information. My son had called her cooking ‘disgusting’ when she’d asked him to stay for dinner. On another occasion, she told me, he ordered the most expensive thing on the menu when they took him out for a meal because he was ‘annoyed’ that the restaurant they chose didn’t have anything he wanted.
My son’s behavior is so rude and I’m extremely embarrassed. If he is acting like this around his best friend’s family, I dread to think how he behaves at school and in other social settings.
Dear Jane: I thought something I did to my son as a baby made me a good parent. Now I’m terrified it’ll ruin his adult life.
Dear Jane…
I feel like a terrible parent. I’m so annoyed with myself for allowing him to be so picky in his childhood.
I’m also concerned that his unwillingness to eat anything out of his narrow comfort zone will prevent him from dating girls, going to dinners with friends and traveling to other countries with different cuisines.
How can I encourage him to expand his diet and tell him to stop being so rude when I fear it is all my fault in the first place.
From,
Picky Parenting
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Picky Parenting,
We often don’t realize the mistakes we have made until it’s too late. And every parent (myself included) has regrets.
But, perhaps, you’re focused on the wrong issue. The concern here is not what your son will and will not eat – although, I do have concerns for his health if he only consumes chicken nuggets, cereal and fries – but his manners.
Unfortunately, I expect that other parents, nowadays, can relate to this problem.
Whenever I am out a restaurant, it seems, I see children running around, shouting, and bumping into the chairs of other diners. Meanwhile, their parents behave like nothing is out of the ordinary and completely ignore the chaos.
And if parents are bothered enough to ‘parent,’ they often prop a iPad in front of their toddlers and pre-teens and allow them to watch ghastly shows on full blast, forcing everyone else in the room to listen along.
Since when did moms and dads forget that it’s their job to teach their children how to behave in public?
In you case, it’s most important to address the rudeness. However, at 17-years-old, it may be a challenge to get your son to listen… at least, initially.
That said, you must talk to him about this behavior. And whilst he may not change anything in the short term, your words (even if they seem to fall on deaf ears now) will ring true as he grows older. Especially, if he starts to suffers the consequences of his rudeness (lack of dinner invites, and – dare I say – dates).
It is never too late to learn. That goes for a 17-year-old as much as it does for a 71-year-old.
Your job as a parents is far from finished – get to work!
Dear Jane,
I think my neighbor is taking advantage of me.
I’ve been friends with my male neighbor for eight years, since he first moved in next door. I was married at the time, so our friendship was purely platonic to begin with.
Then, about a year ago my marriage fell apart and my neighbor swooped in to support me. I thought things could be salvaged, but my neighbor implored me to get an attorney and divorce my husband as quickly as possible, so I did. After that, my relationship with this neighbor quickly became romantic.
At first, all was well. We spent tons of time together and I felt like things were getting serious. But when my divorce was officially finalized a few months ago he started blowing hot and cold. One minute, he would bring me gifts and beg me to meet his mother. The next, he would flat-out ignore me for days.
Things came to a head yesterday when I saw his ex-girlfriend show up at his house. feel so hurt and abandoned. It seems so clear to me now that I’ve been played and lied to. Yet I don’t have any right to feel this way, because we’ve never defined our relationship so he’s not technically cheating on me.
I’m afraid he rushed me out of my marriage so he could have me to himself but now that I am vulnerable and lonely he knows he can treat me badly and get away with it.
I can’t escape him because he is my neighbor, and part of me doesn’t want to because when things are good between us they are really good!
Where do I go from here?
From,
Neighborly support
Dear Neighborly support.
It seems you have unwittingly found yourself not in a relationship, but in a situationship, and further, one that is not serving you.
I understand just how vulnerable you are. Coming out of a marriage is overwhelming, and often frightening. Having someone around to make you feel less alone can be a comfort.
But your neighbor may well have taken advantage of you when you were in a sensitive headspace. Yet, it has now been months and you are still sleeping with him and letting him have a place in your life, without being clear about your needs.
The sad thing about most relationships is that people will treat us as badly as we allow them to, and it is up to us to stand up for ourselves.
I want you to picture yourself in a healthy relationship, and imagine what that might feel and look like.
Imagine being involved with someone who phones when he says he’s going to call, who is supportive and caring and openly affectionate. Think about being with someone honest, who makes you feel loved and cherished.
It feels good, doesn’t it?
What doesn’t feel good is the situation that you’re in now. But this neighbor is only getting away with bad behavior because you’re allowing it.
You must make a decision here. If you want to have a relationship with him rather than a situationship, tell him, and ask him whether he’s willing to work on that with you. If you decide that you are done with him, break things off.
The fact that he’s your neighbor may make it a little awkward for a while, but you can handle this maturely and without emotion.
The way to get the kind of relationship you want is to be honest about your needs, and drop the people who are not fulfilling them. You know that you deserve more. Don’t put up with anything less.