Dear Jane,
I’ve been dating my girlfriend for five years now, but for four of those years we were long-distance while we both went to college in different states.
In our last year of school we started talking about what we were going to do and where we wanted to live, and we ultimately settled on a city near where our families live – but not so close that they’re going to want to come round every day, if you get me!
We found a great place that was within our budgets and I was so excited to finally be together all the time after years of working around our crazy schedules and having to travel back and forth to enjoy just a couple of days together at a time.
But now that we’ve made the move, I’m starting to think it was a huge mistake.
Dear Jane, I moved in with my girlfriend three weeks ago – and her insane behavior is already making me want to move out
First of all, we both take completely different approaches to almost everything in terms of household chores and admin. She’s always been a control freak, but it seems to have trebled in intensity since we moved in.
She obsessively vacuums the couch – THE COUCH! – every day, freaks out if there’s a single sock on the floor, or a towel that isn’t hung up on the right hook, and when we both get home from work, all she wants to do is clean and tidy, or talk about bills and budgets.
I know I can be a bit messy so I’ve really tried hard to keep our place as tidy as possible. But I don’t want to live in a show home! I want to be able to come home and kick off my shoes by the door without panicking that she’ll get annoyed.
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I’d also like to just chill on the couch and watch Netflix at the end of the day, take her out to dinner, or do something – anything – other than discuss budgets and bills each and every night.
It’s only been three weeks, but it already feels like moving in together has killed the romance in our relationship, and I’m scared that if we keep going down this path we are going to end up as resentful roommates rather than boyfriend and girlfriend?
Is there a way of saving this situation or am I going to have to move out?
From,
Living and Learning
Dear Living and Learning,
The first port of call – and I can’t tell from your letter whether you’ve attempted this – is to sit down with your girlfriend and tell her everything that you have just told me.
Nothing is insurmountable other than lack of communication.
When we don’t speak up about the things that drive us mad – hoping instead that we can live with it, or that our loved ones will magically go back to being the person they used to be – that’s when we get into trouble.
Those small unspoken resentments will eventually build into a giant mountain, and that’s the relationship-breaker.
Dear Jane…
Before you decide anything, the two of you need to sit down and have an honest talk.
She may not be able to hear you – often we think we are stating clearly what will happen if x, y and z continues, but our partners aren’t able to hear. But you have to try.
It sounds like there is great love there, and you must discuss what each of you can and cannot live with.
Wishing you both well.