Dear Jane,
My father has been single for about six years now, ever since my mom passed away from cancer, but over the past few months, he’s been going out to dinners with a few different women which has been… kind of surprising, to tell you the truth. I always thought my mom was the only woman for him, and I guess I assumed he’d be single for the rest of his life.
So when he first told me that he had a dinner date planned with ‘a lady’, I was shocked, but I tried to be supportive, and my own husband reminded me that it would be unfair of me to expect him to remain alone for the rest of his life, especially given that he’s only 68.
But less than a week after that first date, he told me he was going out to dinner again – and when I asked whether it was a second meet-up with the same woman, he said it was actually with someone different. Within a month, he’d gone out with – by my count – four different women. Basically a different one every week.
The whole situation raised some alarm bells with me, but I did my best to keep quiet and remain supportive. Even if it gave me a weird feeling.
Dear Jane, my father revealed some horrifying information about his sex life – and it has completely changed the way I look at him
But after a few more dates with a few more women, I decided to ask him what was going on.
It turns out, he’s been using a professional escort service to hire these women!
He could clearly tell how appalled I was by this information because he immediately began making excuses for himself – telling me that he was so nervous to get back into the dating world after so many years and thought this would be an easy way to get some practice.
He insists that nothing physical has happened with any of these women but I just don’t know what to make of it.
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He says all he really wants out of these transactions is some company with a woman and finds it ‘comforting’ that there are no strings attached and he doesn’t need to worry about saying or doing the wrong thing.
I understand his apprehension about launching himself back into dating and romance, but the idea that he’s paying women to spend time with him in any kind of romantic capacity is just horrifying to me.
Maybe I’m being dramatic – my husband thinks I am, but that’s a whole other can of worms I won’t open right now – but this has made me look at my dad in a whole new, and rather unflattering light.
Any thoughts on how I can move past this?
From,
1-800-Horrified
Dear 1-800-Horrified,
I understand why you are so unsettled at discovering this information about your dad, but, and this is a big but, I think you need to butt out of his business.
Who your father decides to date – whether or not he pays for it – and how he chooses to spend his time, is really up to him. Whilst it may be incredibly uncomfortable for you, so would, I imagine, discovering he was having wild sex with someone he met on a dating app.
He is an adult, as are you. He doesn’t owe you an explanation, and you don’t have the right to ask for one. As for his behavior being horrifying, I find his clarity around his choices to be completely reasonable.
I doubt this will change your mind, and I urge you to busy yourself with your own life, leaving your father to find his happiness however he chooses.
Dear Jane,
I’m 25, and recently started a new office job. My department’s manager is an older man in his 50s, and is quite a strict, no-nonsense type of boss.
A bit after starting there I began to get the feeling that he was treating me better and more favorably whenever I ‘dressed up’ a bit more than usual, so I decided to test that theory out… just to see if my instincts were correct.
Dear Jane…
I started to sometimes wear much shorter and tighter skirts, a nicer blouse here and there, and even popping open an extra button or two before heading in to his office whenever we had to talk. Generally just being more sexy and flirty. And it worked!
Over the last few months I’ve started to make a habit of it and it’s got to the point where he treats me so much better and honestly gives me quite preferential treatment over some other coworkers.
However, by this point, he’s started to drop some fairly heavy hints about wanting more, and just being much more forward with me. I’m not really that interested in pursuing something like that, but I have no clue how to reject him without losing all of the favors and little bonuses I’ve got.
I’d appreciate any advice at all.
From,
Corporate Chaos
Dear Corporate Chaos,
What a fine old mess you’ve got yourself into. Rather than blame you, I will say that at twenty five you are not old enough to understand the unintended consequences of using the bloom and youthfulness of your sexuality on a man who is your father’s age.
Using your sexuality at all, flirting to get what you think you want, will almost always land you in trouble, as you are now discovering. And the problem with flirting in a work environment is that you can’t just turn it off without repercussions.
There is no simple solution. I do suggest you sit down with him and let him know firmly and clearly that you realize you may have unintentionally led him on, that you realize it was inappropriate, and hope he didn’t get the wrong impression.
Expect the little favors and bonuses to stop, and know that they should never have been there in the first place.