Alert – DEAR JANE: Every time I tell a man what I like in bed, I get the same insufferable reply

Dear Jane,

My boyfriend and I have been official for over a month.

We are finally at the stage where we are becoming more comfortable around each other in little ways. I wear sweatpants and no makeup around him, he no longer cleans his apartment every time I come over, and – most importantly – we’ve discussed what we like in the bedroom.

However, his response to my sexual preferences has infuriated me.

I was the one who initiated the conversation when we were in bed last night. I was playfully asking him questions like ‘what’s your sexual fantasy’, ‘what are you into’ and ‘what’s your favorite position in bed?’

He told me his dream roleplay is a ‘doctor and nurse’ dynamic, that he’d like to experiment with handcuffs, and that his favorite position is reverse cowgirl. Then he asked me the same questions. I told him that my favorite position is missionary, and that his sexual fantasies don’t really sound like my sort of thing.

Dear Jane: Every time I tell a man what I like in bed, I get the same insufferable reply

But instead of being kind about it, he rolled his eyes and said ‘great, so you like vanilla sex… That’s so boring.’

It’s not the first time a boy I’ve been with has made fun of me for enjoying ‘vanilla sex’, or called me ‘boring’ for not wanting to do crazy things in the bedroom. But I did expect better from my boyfriend.

I feel wounded but I also feel insecure that my boyfriend will get bored of having sex with me unless I start putting on costumes or letting him tie me up!

What do you think I should do? Should I try and get more experimental in the bedroom, even though the things that my boyfriend wants are far out of my comfort zone?

From, Proud Prude

Dear Proud Prude,

It’s so tiring listening to everyone in today’s world describe themselves as ‘non-vanilla’. 

You wonder what on Earth they’re into, and why everyone is trying so hard to be crazy in bed.

But at the same time, freedom of sexual expression should be celebrated, for shame in that area is a debilitating thing to carry.

It’s far better to be open with your partner about your turn-ons rather than look outside the relationship to satisfy those urges. So, at the very least, I congratulate the pair of you for having this conversation. 

But I do wonder what you were expecting when you initiated this bedroom chat, and what you planned to do with the information you’d learn about your boyfriend’s desires.

You say that the things he likes don’t sound ike fun to you… which indicates that you have never even tried them. The best sex often has an element of playfulness and experimentation — it has to, or it can quickly become boring.

While you think you may not be turned on by the same things as your boyfriend, you can’t know until you try.

My advice is to start experimenting and see if there are things you can do together that you both find enjoyable. If you discover that there is no common ground here, then you have a bigger problem.

I urge you to be open and honest, and to have fun!

Dear Jane,

My wife keeps randomly having meltdowns at the most minuscule inconveniences and I don’t know why or what to do about it.

A few weeks ago, she put me in charge of buying groceries and I forgot to pick up the milk – an honest mistake! Well, my wife did not see it that way. 

She totally flipped out and told me I was useless, that I could never survive without her. I found her response hurtful, but I just chalked it up to her being hormonal or stressed out.

She gave me the silent treatment for a few days after the milk mess-up (which I thought was dramatic), but she eventually moved on.

Then last week, when I cleaned the dishes after dinner, she had another epic meltdown when she went to put them away and noticed one bowl had the tiniest mark left on it. Again, she went crazy and accused me of being careless and lazy.

The final straw was yesterday. I got home from work early and decided to do the laundry – I thought I was being helpful. Well, I accidentally put one of her delicate dresses in the drying machine and apparently it is now ruined. She screamed and cried and stormed out the house, telling me that I ‘ruin everything I touch’.

What upsets me most about her recent episodes is that she is punishing me for making tiny mistakes when I am only trying to help her. I could very easily be like a lot of other men I know, who don’t lift a finger to help their wives.

I’m starting to feel so on edge around her that I’m wondering if I should leave her. Is it normal to be this terrified of your wife and her meltdowns?

From, House Husband

Dear House Husband,

I am so sorry that your efforts are being rewarded with such a strong negative reaction, and fully understand how you have reached a point where you are starting to think about leaving.

Terror is not an element that can go unaddressed in a marriage. Anger issues are very problematic, whatever the cause. 

You don’t say your age, but if your wife has not had these kinds of problems before, the issue may be either hormonal or menopausal. If that is indeed the case, going to a doctor and discussing hormone replacement therapy (HRT) could make a world of difference.

When we are frightened of a partner’s anger, we tend to keep our heads down and stay quiet, terrified of triggering a rage. But there is only so long we can live like that.

If we aren’t brave enough to speak up and let our loved ones know how we feel about the way they treat us, there may come a point when there is no going back.

It doesn’t sound like you have yet reached that point, but you are getting there. 

Your wife needs to know just how much her behavior is hurting you. 

Find a quiet moment, when her mood is calm, and tell her you need to talk. Let her know that, unless her anger is addressed, you will have no option but to leave.

I also want to bring up boundaries here.

It is a sad truth that most people are only treated as badly as they allow other people to treat them. In not setting a boundary with your wife, you are enabling her behavior.

The next time your wife shouts, say, ‘I will not be spoken to like that.’ Then, ‘I am now going to leave and will be happy to talk when you have calmed down.’ 

The more you practice this, the easier it will become.

If there are still things in your marriage worth fighting for, I urge you to confront these meltdowns sooner rather than later. The situation you are in is not tenable.