Almost-President Harris has bravely agreed to sit for a long overdue interview with CNN’s Dana Bash.
Of course, the pre-taped some-holds-barred chat – airing Thursday night – will be buried in Labor Day weekend as Americans seek out the late summer sun and notoriously don’t watch TV.
But our Vice Presidentress is fearless and strong!
And she won’t be alone: This former prosecutor will have emotional-support llama Tim Walz there as a human shield, to hold her hand and presumably change the subject should an inconvenient case of the cackles break out.
I hear CNN has already scheduled Dame Dana for an MRI on her shoulder since she’s expected to lob so many softballs.
Then again, she moderated the infamous June debate that ultimately got Comatose Joe Bash-ed. Perhaps this really is hostile territory. Let’s hope Serviceman Tim Walz brings his weapons of war…
So, here are my five burning questions for our policy-free-chief (I’ll eat my camo trucker hat if they’re actually answered!):
1. How did the White House coup really go down?
Like any assassination truther worth their salt (look away, RFK Jr.) I’m desperate for the timeline.
When did you know Sleepy was in steep decline? Were you in on the plot, or did Nasty Pelosi and the Obamas want an open convention?
Who’s been running the country? And will you now have to change your triumphant tagline from ‘We did it, Joe’ to ‘I did it through no skill of my own’?
2. Do you understand the economy, stupid?
It’s great you’ve finally admitted Bidenomics bombed, and that groceries, rent and other costs are bulging like Doug Emhoff’s belly.
But you’ve also touted your administration as a bang-up success, somehow blaming record inflation and limited wage growth on Donald Trump. So, which is it?
And while you’re at it: would you care to explain how printing $25,000 for each new homebuyer won’t catapult us to a crash that makes 2007 look like Coachella?
3. What to do with a case of Afghanistan amnesia?
You boasted to one Dana Bash three years ago about being the ‘last person in the room’ when Biden made the catastrophic decision to withdraw from Afghanistan, leading to our global humiliation and leaving 13 US service members dead.
So many advisors warned against it, but the petulant pair of you went hastily ahead.
Are you still proud of that deadly decision?
4. Is the party over?
A campaign built on the flimsy foundation of forced ‘joy’, ‘vibes’ and memes about a British popstar can only stand the Trump-quake so long.
Even the doughty New York Times has given over column inches to those claiming your policy-free peacocking is wearing thinner than a flimsy pantsuit.
Kamala’s a ‘phony’ one guest essay spat.
Is the sugar high headed for a Krash?
5. How will Tim waltz his way out of this one?
From stolen military valor to fudging fertility stories implying his wife Gwen went through IVF (their reproductive reality is far less dramatic), and now lying about a prize he was never awarded from the Nebraska Chamber of Commerce: why is Tim Walz seemingly so allergic to the truth?
If he’s the ‘last person in the room’ when President Giggles is making her worst decision, God knows what’ll happen!
Noa’s bravery
Freed Israeli hostage Noa Argamani was trolled online for hosting a ‘Return to Life’ dance party while her boyfriend remains in Hamas captivity.
What’s the poor girl supposed to do, lock herself in a dark room and wither?
Her mom died of brain cancer just days after her release from Gaza, her beau is MIA and dancing clearly rankles these terrorist troglodytes. So I say: dance away, sister!
Swift praise
This was supposed to be Taylor’s millennium, not a Brat summer!
Through gritted teeth Taylor Swift squeezed out a compliment for rising superstar Charli XCX, telling New York mag: ‘I’ve been blown away by Charli’s melodic sensibilities since I first heard “Stay Away” in 2011. Her writing is surreal and inventive, always. She just takes a song to places you wouldn’t expect it to go, and she’s been doing it consistently for a decade.’
Allow me to translate: ‘Charli’s getting old. Her music is weird and grating, always. She’s tried to make it big for so long, it’s embarrassing.’
Ben’s getting his Kicks
The latest twist in the Bennifer Breakup Blockbuster: Scarlet-lipped ingenue Kick Kennedy (whose name hurts me just thinking about it).
She’s RFK Jr.’s eldest daughter but is nearly two decades younger than the soon-to-be-ex-ex Mr Lopez.
Kick and Affleck have reportedly only been ‘spending time together’, with friends insisting she doesn’t want to be seen as a ‘mistress’.
Here’s the thing, babe, if you shack up with a man when his wife has barely got one stiletto out the door, that tends to be how people see it!
Man up, Doug!
Dumpy Doug Emhoff has been labeled a ‘modern-day sex symbol’ by Washington Post columnist Catherine Rampell because he is ‘secure enough with his own masculinity to sometimes prioritize his wife’s ambitions over his own.’
Would it hurt these beta backscratchers to admit that we girls actually like a bit of gristle in our man meat.
Bumpin’ that
Margot Robbie showed off her Barbie bump, letting her pregnant belly air out in sunny Sardinia this week.
Why are so many famous females suddenly showing off their gestating tummies?
Perhaps it’s a flex on the A-listers who choose surrogacy to save their svelte figures.
Horror story
What is wrong with Ryan Murphy?
In 2022, the ‘American Horror Story’ writer subjected us to a pornified retelling of the gruesome Jeffrey Dahmer killings. Now he’s promising what looks to be an incestual spin on the Menendez brothers murder case.
For those who don’t know, the boys were jailed in 1996 for the double murder of their parents following what they say was years of sexual abuse at the hands of their father.
In the trailer for this latest stomach-churning season we see the bloodied, shirtless brothers hugging suggestively as a gunshot rings out.
If Murphy’s left wondering which sicko to chose as his next subject, perhaps he could turn the camera around.