Alert – SAUCY SECRETS: I’m so in love with my ex that I ignored a heartbreaking thing he did in bed

Dear Jana, 

Last weekend, I went on a secret trip with my ex, who my friends and family can’t stand because of how he treated me in the past – specifically, his wandering eye. I didn’t tell anyone and kept it off social media. 

While we were lying in bed, I saw him texting another girl. To keep the peace, I ignored it. I’m so in love with him, so I justify it by telling myself I’m happier with him than without him. But I know I need to set better boundaries. How do I start setting boundaries that are actually achievable?

Anonymous.

Oh, Anonymous, we’ve all been there – those sneaky weekends away with someonewe know we shouldn’t be spending time with. I remember the time my ex-boyfriend got out of jail (back in my 20s) and I whisked him off for a romantic weekend up the coast without my family or friends having a clue.

Did he cheat on me again? Yep! Did I learn my lesson? Well, eventually. But here’s the thing: eventually, you get fed up with all the drama. You’ll reach a point where you’re so tired of his nonsense that you will kick him to the curb – and this time, you’ll mean it.

So don’t be too hard on yourself. Right now, it sounds like you’re dealing with some low self-esteem. But that can absolutely be turned around. I found that shifting my focus to my career helped. As I got better at work, my confidence grew, and I stopped settling for guys who weren’t worthy of my time.

So, my advice to you: put your energy into something outside of this relationship. Whether it’s picking up a new sport, pivoting in your career, or volunteering with a cause you care about – anything that helps you stop obsessing over him and starts building your confidence. When your self-esteem is stronger, setting better boundaries will feel more natural.

And stay away from the jailbirds. OK, that was more a note to self.

Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking gives her trademark sassy advice to Aussies needing help with their love lives – or lack thereof

Dear Jana, 

I constantly daydream about bending my hot co-worker over my desk. I don’t want anything serious, but I would love to have some naughty time with her. Is there a way to see if she would be keen for some co-worker-with-benefits without getting a call from HR. She’s fun and flirty and think she would be keen, but not sure how to go about it.

Steven.

Steven, Steven, Steven,

First off, props for wanting to spice things up at the office. A little workplace intrigue can make the nine-to-five a lot more exciting. Oh how I love a saucy office crush!

Now, as for your hot co-worker, I’d say, ‘Go for it, tiger!’ But let’s do this strategically. Start with some subtle flirting. A playful comment here, a lingering glance there. See how she responds. If she’s into it, she’ll flirt back.

Remember, subtlety is key. You don’t want to come across as too forward or thirsty. Keep it light and fun. And for the love of HR, keep it professional during work hours. Save the flirting for after-work drinks. Isn’t that why they were created?

Now, if things progress to the next level, and you’re both feeling frisky, well, then you can take things off-site. A secret rendezvous, a late-night rendezvous… the possibilities are endless.

Just remember, have fun, wear a condom, and don’t get caught!

‘You just found out the hard way that cheating really does come back to bite you on the butt. You didn’t know how good your partner was until she finally found someone better. Oh it’s a tale as old as time,’ Jana says

Dear Jana,

I never thought it would come to this, but here I am, trying to make sense of everything. After a few mistakes on my part with cheating, my wife and I decided to open our marriage. I thought it would give us the freedom to explore and heal, but instead, it’s led to the end of our relationship. She ended up leaving me for the first person she got involved with in the polyamorous setup. Now they’re engaged less than a year after our divorce.

I can’t shake the feeling that this is all my fault – that I pushed for this thinking it might fix things, but in the end, it only destroyed everything. I know I’ve made a huge mistake, and I want her back, but she says she can never trust me again.

I don’t know how to show her that I’ve changed. I want to prove to her that I’m a different person now, that I understand what I’ve done, and that I’m truly sorry. But I don’t know where to start, or if it’s even possible to win her back at this point.

How can I show her that I’ve really changed, and is there any way to rebuild trust after everything that’s happened?

Anonymous.

 Oh Anonymous, what a stuff up. I’ll be honest, the evil side of me wants to laugh at the karma you’ve been served. And truthfully, I think you’ve set yourself an impossible task. You’ve broken the cardinal rule of relationships: trust. Once that’s gone, it’s incredibly difficult to get back – and it sounds like your ex-wife gave you far too many opportunities before she got jack of it all.

You just found out the hard way that cheating really does come back to bite you on the butt. You didn’t know how good your partner was until she finally found someone better. Oh it’s a tale as old as time.

You can’t force someone to forgive you, no matter how much you regret your actions. You’ll need to show her genuine remorse, and that means more than just saying sorry. You’ll need to prove you’ve changed. This could mean therapy, self-reflection, or even joining a support group. Action means more than words.

It’s up to your ex-wife to decide if she wants to give you another chance. But it sounds like she’s moved on, so shouldn’t you do her one final favour and let her be happy?

All you can do is work on yourself and hope she might change her mind. But don’t hold your breath.