Every autumn, back-to-school month is a stressful time. There are tantrums about what to wear every morning, upturned noses at the content of lunchboxes, and exhausted tears before bedtime. Plus the children to deal with too.
For added drama, look no further than the politics of school mum cliques. We know we can’t be friends with everyone, but there are strategies to adopt that will prevent you from being that parent, the one people roll their eyes at and cross the road to avoid.
‘Parenting is a really sensitive subject,’ says etiquette expert Jo Bryant. ‘Everyone has different standards and different family dynamics and values.
‘Most primary school classes have an eclectic mix of parents, from the mega-worthy and super-efficient to the always-disorganised and the just-don’t-cares. You need to be somewhere in the middle.’
Here are Jo’s six most common school gate flashpoints to avoid . . .
Check out our expert’s rules on how to not be the mum at the school gate that the other parents try to avoid
WhatsApp faux pas
Permanently mute the class group if you must, but never leave, it’s just too rude.
Also, don’t use it as your handy personal assistant. Before you query anything with the group, check the messages from school first. WhatsApp should be the back-up and not the go-to.
If you have a whole-year group chat, limit it to academics and practicalities only and splinter off into separate groups to deal with the social side of things – no one wants 20 messages about a trip to the pub they can’t make. Class WhatsApps aren’t somewhere to express extreme opinions or criticism of the school either.
WFH on playdates
If you’re having someone’s child back to your house after school, clear it with the other parent if you’re going to be working while they’re playing.
Regardless, you do need to be accessible to those children if needed.
If you have a Zoom call that you absolutely can’t leave, your workspace door is closed, and you can’t be disturbed, then don’t have other people’s children over.
There’s clear etiquette around reciprocating playdates. If it’s just a play after school and a bowl of pasta, it’s fine not to invite back every single time. But if someone is spending lots of money taking your child out or driving a long way, you do need to make sure you return the favour.
Moan about meals
Etiquette expert Jo Bryant says: ‘Most school classes have an eclectic mix of parents, from the mega-worthy and super-efficient to the disorganised and the just-don’t-cares. You need to be somewhere in the middle’
You have to see these people every weekday for several years. School gossip has a habit of spreading quickly, so it’s really not worth pointing out any trivial dissatisfactions to another parent.
If you’re not happy about the fact your child was given McDonald’s and donuts for tea, or sat in front of the television for four hours, just don’t say yes to the offer of a playdate there again.
And if your playdate offers are permanently refused, take the hint. It’s the same as any other social situation. You wouldn’t continually ask a friend to the pub if they said no every single time.
Move on and don’t take it too personally.
Flake on the fair
You don’t have to volunteer for every trip or event, but if you’re going to said event, you can and should help.
If you’re walking around the Christmas fair for an hour and a half, there’s no way it isn’t possible to help out for 30 minutes on the tombola, for example.
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It’s frustrating for other parents to see you enjoying what’s put on but never doing the work behind the scenes – and it will be obvious to everyone that you can’t be bothered. School is a community and communities need people.
Playground office
Once you get into the playground, you shouldn’t be on your phone unless it’s urgent. What it says to everyone is ‘don’t talk to me’ but also, ‘I’m not prioritising my child’. Unless it’s vitally important, it can wait five minutes.
This is basic good manners and sets the right example of technology use to your child.
Gloat about child
Other parents aren’t interested in the academic success of your offspring.
And if you have genuine concerns about their progress, go to your best friend in the school network.
Don’t do what one mum I know did and go through the reading records of any children who came to her house to see how they compared with her own.
You can boast about your child’s success to family and grandparents, and you can respond to a compliment from other parents, but don’t instigate a conversation about how well your child is doing.