Research suggests about 30 per cent of women and 23 per cent of men ‘settle’ for their partner, rather than marry their ‘true love’.
After a lifetime spent studying sex and relationships, I totally agree with that figure. (What ‘true love’ really means is a topic for another day.) On many levels, it makes sense.
What we look for in love is very different to what we want from a spouse and potential father/mother to our children.
That ‘can’t breathe without them love’ is often characterised by great highs and lows, insecurity as well as intense passion.
When we’re young, the magnificent highs (out of this world sex and the ‘soulmate’ buzz) are worth the not-so-nice parts. Not so much when we’re older and more mature.
Research suggests about 30 per cent of women and 23 per cent of men ‘settle’ for their partner, rather than marry their ‘true love’
Dependability. Friendship. Good lifestyle habits. Financial security. All the ‘boring’ people suddenly seem not quite as boring.
Some of us are lucky enough to find these qualities in the person we’ve fallen hard for. Others aren’t so fortunate and marry someone their family approves of and will support them through life.
This is all terribly sensible – but does it make us happy? I talked to a variety of men and women who didn’t end up with their ‘person’ to find out.
‘Decades later, I’ve never stopped loving her – and that’s as miserable as it sounds.’
Scott, 51, has been in a loveless relationship for 24 years and still yearns after his first love.
‘I met Sarah at university and we were deeply in love for four years. Our friends dated each other and others, but we weren’t interested in anyone else.
It was an intense relationship and I had a lot of jealousy issues because of my past (my mother had a lot of affairs). I’d fly into jealous rages over nothing and eventually it broke us up. She wanted children and she didn’t want to raise them in such a turbulent environment. There was no doubt, though, that we broke up both still loving each other.
Everyone in our university group stayed friends. So I watched as Sarah met another guy, a nice man actually. He wasn’t going to set the world alight, but he did treat her well. I wasn’t surprised when she got pregnant and married though I didn’t go to the wedding. We got invited but I couldn’t handle seeing her stand up there and say her vows to someone else.
I say ‘we’ because I was also involved with someone else. It was one of those relationships you fall into, rather than choose. She was sweet and wanted to please me but I didn’t ever love her. We went out, she got pregnant and wanted to keep the baby, I didn’t not love her in some way…you know how it is.
Tracey Cox (pictured) is a sex and relationships expert. She believes it’s entirely plausible that almost a third of women and 23 per cent of women have ended up with someone who isn’t their ‘true love’
We are still together 24 years and two kids later. I didn’t want to marry her. I respect her and am fond of her but it’s been a loveless relationship on my part. I don’t know why she’s put up with it, frankly.
She knows I never stopped loving Sarah. I knew I would never stop loving her when we broke up. I’m now 51 and I’ve lived my entire life with my heart belonging to someone who isn’t mine. It’s as miserable as it sounds. Some of my close female friends know I’m still in love with her and despair about it. They keep telling me to just move on, but I don’t want to. My heart yearns for her. That’s a dramatic word but it’s the only word that fits.
Sarah had four kids and is still with the same man but I am right to have hope. There was one magical period when we briefly saw each other. She texted me out of the blue to ask if we could meet. I heard on the grapevine that she was having issues with her husband.
We met in a park and she confessed she also thought about me all the time and that I had been the love of her life. We kissed. We cried. We went to a hotel and had sex and met up a few times.
But she had four kids and I had two and neither of us wanted to hurt anyone. That was five years ago. It made it better somehow. At least I know I haven’t imagined this big love.’
‘No part of me believes I ‘settled’. It was the best decision of my life going for the sensible guy.’
Hayley, 40, has three children and has been happily married for 11 years.
‘I’m a pragmatic, sensible person. Which is why I don’t regret marrying the person who was going to make the best husband and father, over someone I felt passionate about.
Having children with someone is a choice that needs careful consideration. It involves sacrifice. You make yourself responsible for bringing a human being into the world and unleashing a hopefully decent adult. That requires calm and stability. Most passionate loves aren’t calm and stable.
Mine certainly wasn’t. We were on-again, off-again. So paranoid and jealous about everything. Every time we broke up I thought my life was over and I didn’t like that feeling.
It is often the case that people want different things from their spouse than what they wanted from love when they were younger
I broke it off even though I was mad for this guy and it took me five years before I was ready to date again. It was a survival thing. My life wouldn’t have been happy if I’d stayed with him.
I am happily married to a man who is dependable, reliable, financially solvent and the best role model for my kids that I could ever wish for. They love him and I have grown to love him more and more over the years.
It’s not the same love as I had for my ex. If you’re talking the most intensely I have ever felt about someone, my ex wins the ‘love of my life’ award.
But what I have now is real love. It was built on solid ground – friendship and respect – not the shifting sands of lust and passion. I wouldn’t swap my husband for a million of my ex. No part of me believes I ‘settled’. It was the best decision of my life to go for the sensible choice.’
‘An affair is the only solution – I can’t live without him but we can’t leave our families’
Esther, 46, has a child and has been married for 18 years. She and her first love, Joe, have been having an affair for 15 years of it.
‘Joe and I met when we were 15. We were inseparable for years, then I went to university and he went off travelling. We made the usual pact: you both have a pass to do what you want while apart, but the expectation is you get back together.
I waited for two years but Joe just kept on travelling. I got accidentally pregnant to a guy I was dating, and my parents basically pushed us into getting married. I come from a small, conservative town and it’s what you did.
Five years after he left, Joe came home. I’m reasonably happily married with a child, and he turns up on the doorstep and says he loves me and begs me to leave my husband. My heart breaks but I tell him it’s too late. I thought he’d leave town but he didn’t. Four years after that, he’s also married.
It hurt like hell seeing him with his wife. I avoided them as much as possible. Then we all got invited to a friend’s birthday party. I didn’t expect him to be there and he didn’t expect to see me.
I remember feeling totally overcome with emotion and longing, seeing him up close. I love my husband but Joe was the undisputed love of my life. I think there’s something in that first love thing: you never get over them really.
We both got drunk. We escaped from our spouses and met down the back of the garden and kissed immediately. And that was that.
We’ve had a long-standing affair since then. It’s been going on for 15 years and no-one has ever found out. Only one person knows: a trusted friend of mine who knew Joe and I at the start. She is the go-to if our standard meeting arrangement must change. Otherwise, we have no contact. We meet in a safe place and never anywhere else. Unless our friend decides to tell someone, I can’t imagine we will ever be found out.
I can’t live without him but the fallout of both of us leaving our families in a small town like this is unthinkable. It the only solution we can think of for now. When the kids grow up maybe we’ll leave town and finally get to live the life we should have.’
* Some names have been changed.
- Tracey’s product ranges, Supersex and Edge, are sold exclusively through lovehoney. Listen to her weekly podcast, SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey, on your favourite podcast platform.