Q My dad has dementia and before he went into a care home I was his primary carer. It is tragic to watch this man, who was once the biggest character, being whittled away in both body and mind by the illness. I have siblings, but the responsibility of taking care of him fell squarely on my shoulders and while he was at home I was able to keep going for his sake – even though I had to balance it with working and looking after my children.
I am usually a reasonably happy person but since he went into the home I’m really struggling and have lost my spark. Now Dad no longer recognises me or my mother – his wife. It’s devastating not just for me but also my kids of seven and 13.
They attend counselling sessions to help them come to terms with the grief of losing the person their grandfather once was, which tears me apart even more. I’ve never felt so isolated and alone. How do I remain strong not just for me but for my family, when I’m crumbling inside?
A I can hear your despair loud and clear. I am sure you are aware of the Alzheimer’s Society’s recent campaign highlighting how losing someone this way is like grieving their death over and over again. It has been controversial for being too hard-hitting, but I think that it resonates with many who have cared for someone with this shattering disease.
I’ve talked to people who say that by the time their parent died they were so relieved it was over that their loved one’s dementia had even robbed them of the final grieving process. So, firstly, I can say that you are not alone, even though you feel desperately lonely.
You are burnt out and probably depressed. Unfortunately, it is often true that women bear the brunt of caring for family members. Looking after your dad before he went into a home (along with your other commitments) has exhausted you. It might be too distressing for your children to visit their grandfather now, and perhaps it’s better they remember him as he was.
But I think that you also need to step back. Your dad is safe and, as he no longer recognises you, you could consider taking a few weeks off from visiting, too. Concentrate on having a lovely time with your children: take them on fun days out, help them to think about other things.
Go on outings with your mum, too. Make sure that you are looking after yourself with exercise, fresh air and proper food. In other words, reset. Hard as it is, try not to show your anguish to your children.
But no one can be strong all the time, so cry as much as you like when you need to – just don’t be alone. Do please call a friend or reach out for the support of others and talk until you feel better (alzheimers.org.uk; 0333 150 3456). Please also see your GP about depression.
My daughter blames me for her break-up
Q I think I might have really messed things up with my daughter. She is 33 and for six years had been in a relationship with a man who wouldn’t commit to marriage. She is desperate to have children but he kept saying that he wasn’t ready – he’s 40.
So I told her to issue an ultimatum: that if he couldn’t agree to marry her within a year, she would have to end the relationship. However, when she followed my advice, he left her, saying that he didn’t want to be forced into a corner.
That was three months ago and my daughter has been distraught, sobbing down the phone that it’s my fault and if she hadn’t said anything, they would still be together.
A Yes, if she hadn’t said anything, they might still be together – and your daughter could then watch another three or four years go by, still wanting to get married and still wanting children.
Sadly, I expect that everyone except your daughter could see that this relationship was not right. Not being willing to commit after six years is hardly being backed into a corner. If he doesn’t feel ready for children at 40, then he probably doesn’t ever want them, but didn’t have the courage to tell her that directly and kept her hanging on.
Right now, your daughter is grieving the loss of her relationship (six years is a long time) and frightened about the uncertainties of the future. She will come round but it will take time for her to see that he wasn’t right for her, so just keep listening and being there for her.
Remind her gently that he perhaps would never have felt ready to be a father and that she deserves someone who loves her enough to want a future together.
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If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email [email protected]. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_ Caroline reads all your letters but regrets she cannot answer each one personally