The attention-whore rodeo, I mean… the Met Gala, descended on New York City last night and these oblivious haute couture clowns did not disappoint.
As always, the preening buffoons were guided by a dress code.
This year it was the pretentiously ambiguous theme, ‘Garden of Time’ – a nod to British novelist J.G. Ballard’s 1962 short story about a fancy couple inside a walled compound, who kept encroaching barbarians at bay by clipping magical crystal flowers that set back the clocks.
The besieged aristocrats in Ballard’s story relied on a shrinking harvest to protect them against the passage of time.
These rich boobs – without a hint of irony – enjoy seemingly bottomless budgets for plastic surgeons, cosmetic dentists and Ozempic.
The attention-whore rodeo, I mean… the Met Gala , descended on New York City last night and these oblivious haute couture clowns did not disappoint.
Gala co-chair Zendaya was an early carpet walker looking like a giant boutonnière, as she did that laughably uncomfortable dying turtle pose.
JLo was radiant in a custom sheer Schiaparelli Haute Couture gown giving onlookers a glimpse at her eternal Time Garden.
So, while actual pro-Hamas mobs raged through the streets of New York City desecrating war memorials and burning American flags last night, these self-satisfied schmucks felt perfectly safe and sound behind the barricades at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Gala co-chair Zendaya was an early carpet walker looking like a giant boutonnière, as she did that laughably uncomfortable dying turtle pose.
That’s when pretty women try to look ugly by slouching their upper body while jutting their heads out from under the weight of their gorgeousity.
Actress Mindy Kaling cosplayed a can of exploded McDonald’s meat guts.
Sarah Jessica Parker wore a bouquet of stripper-hair extensions under a fascinator and Andy Cohen on her arm, but she still managed to look like an expensive lampshade.
Eddie Redmayne and his wife wore matching bird poop dresses.
The marching orders for TV commentators must have been: ‘Say nice things or Anna Wintour will scoop out your liver with a dessert spoon, emulsify it and use it as hand cream.’
For when Lizzo reached for the garden theme but came up with a handful of weeds, the butt-huffers at E! were at a loss for words.
Actress Mindy Kaling cosplayed a can of exploded McDonald’s meat guts.
Sarah Jessica Parker wore a bouquet of stripper-hair extensions under a fascinator and Andy Cohen on her arm, but she still managed to look like an expensive lampshade.
Eddie Redmayne and his wife wore matching bird poop dresses.
The ‘Good As Hell’ singer’s dirt-toned homage to a flower ended up looking like a discarded rawhide chew toy that got tossed in the lawn clippings.
Lady Gaga, she isn’t. But she’s so healthy and brave!
Who in their right mind would want to participate in this annual audition for America’s Most Obnoxious?
For weeks, Vogue’s editor-in-chief (this year, the Devil wore Loewe) has been sending her fork-tongued minions out to threaten ‘Wintour is coming!’ and bully stylistically challenged Lauren Sanchez.
And there she was – Mrs. Almost Bezos – apparently shamed into a shaggy black lob (that’s short for long-bob, you heathen) and an Oscar de la Renta gown of shattered glass and pearls swirled into giant roses that paroled her faultless assets into boobie prison.
There’s no justice in fashion!
Vogue’s live coverage of the event was helmed by a blonde Brillo pad, aka actress Gwendoline Christie, the heroine of the Game of Thrones.
Hey, Gwendoline. The bride of Frankenstein called. She wants her hairdo back.
Cardi B won the award for Most Needless Use of Fabric. She broke the carpet record with a 10-man team of fluffers readying her dress for each camera mark.
Her headpiece screamed: Marge Simpson and Amy Winehouse had a naughty baby with way too much money to spend at the manicurist.
The ‘Good As Hell’ singer’s dirt-toned homage to a flower ended up looking like a discarded rawhide chew toy that got tossed in the lawn clippings.
Mrs. Almost Bezos was apparently shamed into an Oscar de la Renta gown of shattered glass and pearls swirled into giant roses that paroled her faultless assets into boobie prison. There’s no justice in fashion!
Vogue’s live coverage of the event was helmed by a blonde Brillo pad, also known as actress Gwendoline Christie, the heroine of the Game of Thrones.
Rita Ora seemed to be fresh out of the shower – hair drenched and nearly naked as she clutched a shower curtain. That poor dear.
Not one to be out-washed, Doja Cat showed up dripping wet with silver eyeliner running down her face wearing a see-through white frock that burned the corneas of wholesome Gala-gazers with her typical unashamed prurience.
Could she have been auditioning to be an extra on Kanye’s porn shoot?
This brings us to Kim K. Everyone’s favorite amateur ‘actress’ wore a corset so tight that when she undressed at the end of the night her fart must have blown off every manhole cover on Fifth Avenue.
She gets points for pairing a stunning silver Maison Marciela gown with grey shawl. And it made me wonder: When Bianca Censori starts wearing clothes again, will she try to knock off this look too?
Kim’s mom, Kris, didn’t do as well. She dressed in a giant duvet cover. She shouldn’t have even gotten out of bed.
However, the night wasn’t all bad fashion and I’d be remiss if I didn’t give credit where it was due.
JLo was radiant in a custom sheer Schiaparelli Haute Couture gown, giving onlookers a glimpse at her eternal Time Garden.
Rita Ora seemed to be fresh out of the shower – hair drenched and nearly naked as she clutched a shower curtain.
Not one to be out-washed, Doja Cat showed up dripping wet with silver eyeliner running down her face.
Heavy is the head that wears the flowers at the Garden Party. But with the infidels literally at the gates – the time for these smug celebs has surely run out.
Cardi B won the award for Most Needless Use of Fabric. She broke the carpet record with a 10-man team of fluffers readying her dress for each camera mark.
She looked absolutely dewy and natural, unlike her cigarette-sucking other half who was mercilessly mocked for his red-faced raging at NFL legend Tom Brady’s roast last weekend.
Who did Ben’s work? Freddie Kreuger?
Model Gigi Hadid looked like a pixie frozen inside a wedding cake in her Thom Browne gown.
Jessica Biel had lazy girl-hair that must have required six hours to make it look messy. She was in a glorious shade of watermelon, but the gurl needs to eat a sandwich.
By the end of the evening, I was exhausted by the humorless extravagance and wouldn’t have been surprised to see that pale-faced ghoul Effie Trinket from the Hunger Games strolling down the carpet next.
Instead, we got Zendaya 2.0 in her second do-si-do of the night complete with a giant, multi-colored rose headpiece.
Heavy is the head that wears the flowers at the Garden Party. But with the infidels literally at the gates – the time for these smug celebs has surely run out.