To kickstart celebrations on the 200th anniversary of Trafalgar, an actor dressed as Lord Nelson was sent up the Thames on the prow of a RNLI lifeboat.
On the orders of elf’n’safety, he was forced to wear a lifejacket over his 19th century admiral’s uniform, which somewhat spoiled the dramatic effect.
I couldn’t resist writing a column imagining how the battle could ever have been fought under modern terms of engagement. It’s been doing the rounds on the internet ever since and went like this . . .
We joined Nelson on the deck of his recently renamed flagship, HMS Appeasement, reading the signal he has just sent to the fleet.
‘Hold on, Hardy, that’s not what I dictated to the signal officer. What’s the meaning of this?’
‘Sorry, sir?’
‘England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?’
‘Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting “England” past the censors, lest it be considered racist.’
From there on, it’s downhill — or perhaps that should be downstream — all the way. Nelson is horrified to discover that the crow’s nest has been shut on the orders of elf’n’safety because there’s no wheelchair access for the ‘differently abled’.
‘Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.’
‘Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
‘The ship has been declared a no-smoking environment and consumption of alcohol on board is banned as part of the government’s policy on binge drinking.’
‘Don’t tell me — health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?’
‘Rum is off the menu, sir. And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.’
‘What about sodomy?’
‘I believe it’s to be encouraged, sir.’
‘In that case . . . Kiss me, Hardy!’
Far from being a national hero, Nelson is now seen widely on the Left as an evil white supremacist, and is falsely accused of being a supporter of slavery — which he wasn’t. Pictured: Portrait of Horatio Nelson from 1800
You couldn’t make it up. Except I did. That was back in 2005. What I couldn’t have forseen is that, as we approach the 220th anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar, life would eventually come to overtake my own flight of fantasy.
Far from being a national hero, Nelson is now seen widely on the Left as an evil white supremacist, and is falsely accused of being an enthusiastic supporter of slavery — which he wasn’t.
Even before the Black Lives Matter madness, his reputation was being trashed and there were calls for Nelson’s Column to be toppled. You expect this kind of deranged woke nonsense from madwomen writing in the Guardian, but not from the National Maritime Museum.
Sadly, it was probably inevitable. One by one, our institutions have all fallen to the revolutionary, revisionist Left. Our history must now be viewed through the kaleidoscope of race, gender, sexuality and disability.
As a result, the Nelson exhibit at the museum in Greenwich has been ‘reinterpreted’. Notices insist that admirals must now ‘move over’ for ‘unsung heroes of the sea’.
Alongside a bust of Nelson has been placed a statue of a ‘genderless migrant goddess’.
She/he/they, in the shape of a black woman, is there to represent those who have also shown ‘bravery and resilience at sea’ — including migrants crossing the English Channel.
Press a button and you can hear the ‘goddess’ berating Nelson: ‘Many people make treacherous journeys escaping war. As a protector of migrants I have no need of your fancy medals and uniforms.’
The new exhibit is part of the taxpayer-funded museum’s policy of ‘working with stakeholders’ to offer more varied historical perspectives.
It was created in conjuction with the charity Action For Refugees Lewisham — presumably twinned with Wolfie Smith’s Tooting Popular Front — and the controversial transgender children’s charity Mermaids UK.
Quite what Britain’s naval history has got to do with a trans children’s charity is beyond me. But it helps explain why the ‘goddess’ statue is described as ‘neither male nor female, neither human nor fish’.
To be honest, I’m not sure that Nelson is the best target for Letfist revisionism. For a start, he rose to the top of his profession despite losing both an eye and an arm. And he was only one stray blast of French grapeshot away from gender reassignment
While his adulterous relationship with Lady Hamilton was well documented, his famous ‘Kiss Me, Hardy’ last gasp might suggest he swung both ways. After all, the LGBTQWERTY+ crowd claim just about every other famous individual — from Baden-Powell to Field Marshal Montgomery — after they die, so why not the bold Horatio?
Meanwhile, the rewriting of history to suit modern prejudices continues apace.
With the 220th anniversary of Trafalgar approaching next year, don’t be surprised to see Nelson, wearing a rainbow lifejacket, wash up on the Kent coast on the prow of a dinghy full of migrants.
STARMER: I’M FROM BARCELONA
Did Keir Starmer mention that before he went into politics he used to be the Director of Public Prosecutions?
Oh, he did. I thought so. What I can’t work out, though, is what he actually did during the five years he served as DPP between 2008 and 2013.
In that time there were at least two active investigations which you might have expected to come across his desk.
One involved the decision not to prosecute Jimmy Savile on serial sex offences. The other concerned innocent sub-postmasters accused of theft, fraud and false accounting.
It has now been revealed that more than 90 prosecutions of postmasters were taken up by the CPS — some while Starmer was in charge, but they’re not saying how many.
Judging by Keir Starmer’s record as DPP, he’s not so much a strong leader as Manuel from Fawlty Towers – as he knows nothing, says Richard Littlejohn
Starmer himself denies any knowledge of these cases, just as he insists he wasn’t aware of the decision not to proceed against Savile. I’m assuming on both occasions he must have been washing his hair that day.
We have to take his word for it, but the procession of postmasters appearing before the courts was already in the public domain. It seems curious that the man in charge wouldn’t have at least been informed about two major case files — one apparently involving widespread criminality at the State-owned Post Office.
If and when he becomes Prime Minister, can we also expect him to be missing in action when it comes to taking difficult decisions?
Judging by his record as DPP, he’s not so much a strong leader as Manuel from Fawlty Towers.
When it comes to Savile and the Post Office scandal: he know nothing.
AGAIN, I ASK: JUST HOW THICK IS GARY LINEKER?
Most of the marchers on the pro-Hamas/Palestine demo wouldn’t know the difference between the Houthis and Hootie & The Blowfish, the American soft-rock band.
That didn’t prevent brain-dead elements of the crowd chanting: ‘Yemen, Yemen, do us proud, turn another ship around’, while the Old Bill stood there doing nothing.
Would they have been allowed to march along the Strand chanting: ‘Luftwaffe, Luftwaffe, do us proud’ during World War II?
The Royal Navy and the RAF are currently engaging the Houthis, who are attacking shipping in the Red Sea, including allied warships. Yet there are people on the streets of London screeching support for our enemies, just as the ‘River to the Sea’ headbangers are giving succour to bloodstained terrorists hellbent on wiping Jews off the face of the Earth.
How much longer are we expected to tolerate these weekly hate marches from the enemy within?
Meanwhile, Gary Lineker continues to make a prize, pig-ignorant prat of himself by backing calls for Israel to be banned from international football.
He’s no better than the braying mob howling their support for Hamas and the Houthis. A few weeks ago I asked: Just how thick is Gary Lineker?
Now we know for sure. About as bright as a blowfish.