Dear Vanessa,
I need help dealing with a really upsetting family situation.
My mum is in her late 80s and has dementia. A few years ago, she gave my sister power of attorney, which made sense at the time – she lived nearby and offered to help. About a year ago, she moved in with mum to take care of her, and ever since, things have become uncomfortable.
My sister has started using mum’s money to buy things or ‘treats’ for herself – a new television, furniture, and other items she says are for her ‘comfort while caring.’ She’s now talking about moving mum into a care home and selling mum’s house to fund it.
I understand that aged care is expensive and that mum may need full-time support soon. But I’m worried things aren’t being done the right way. My sister rarely communicates with me or our brother, and anytime I ask questions, she shuts me down and says she has the legal authority.
I want mum to be properly cared for, but I also want things to be fair. mum always said her house was to be split equally between the three of us, and now I’m worried we’ll lose everything to care fees – or worse, that my sister is mismanaging things.
What is the right way to handle this? Can my sister really make all these decisions on her own? And are we going to lose our inheritance to aged care?
Karen.
Dear Karen,
First, thank you for writing. This is one of the most emotionally loaded financial situations anyone can face – when love, family, responsibility, and money all collide.
You’re not alone in this. As our parents age and become vulnerable, families are often left to make big decisions with uneven information, old family dynamics at play, and sometimes, very little guidance. It’s understandable that you want to protect your mum, but also ensure her wishes around inheritance are respected. That’s not selfish. That’s human.
Legally, a power of attorney (POA) allows someone to make decisions on behalf of another person when they’re no longer able to. But that power comes with responsibilities – the most important being that all decisions must be made in the best interests of the person, not the attorney. Buying items for ‘comfort’ may fall into a grey area, but if there’s a pattern of personal benefit, it’s reasonable to question what’s happening.
That doesn’t mean your sister is doing anything illegal – but it does mean you have the right to ask for transparency. Being family doesn’t remove the obligation to account for decisions made under POA.
You asked a really important question: will we lose our inheritance to aged care?
The truth is, aged care is expensive, and yes in many cases, the family home is sold to cover it. The aged care system takes into account a person’s assets and income when determining fees. So depending on your mum’s financial position, some or all of the home’s value may be used to fund her care. But there are strategies to manage this process and potentially protect some of the estate – the key is getting expert advice early.
To explore this further, I spoke with an experienced financial adviser who specialises in aged care and estate planning.
They said: ‘Families often wait until the last minute to deal with aged care, but the earlier you get advice, the more options you have – not just financially, but in keeping family relationships intact. A good plan can help ensure care is properly funded and also clarify what can reasonably be preserved for inheritance.’
They also added: ‘Having power of attorney doesn’t mean shutting out the rest of the family. The best outcomes happen when everyone is brought into the loop, especially siblings. If that’s not happening, it’s okay to speak up – and even seek independent mediation if needed.’
Karen, you’re doing the right thing by asking questions. If you’re not getting clear answers, you may want to request a formal update from your sister – or suggest that an independent third party help review decisions. It’s also worth talking to a financial adviser with experience in aged care. They can help you understand your mum’s funding options, what’s legally permitted, and whether the current arrangement makes sense.
If you don’t know where to start, I offer a free referral service to connect people with trusted advisers. You can find it here:
This is hard stuff. Emotions run high, and the stakes feel personal – because they are. But your voice matters. And it’s okay to want fairness, clarity, and care – all at once.
Choose you first,
Vanessa.