When the last remnants of humanity are watching YouTube in their caves a thousand years from now, they’ll look back and wonder what finally triggered the collapse of civilization.
Then they’ll see footage of a moon-faced, ancient Madonna hobbling down the 2025 Met Gala carpet and say: ‘Ah-ha, that’s the moment.’
Asked why the West’s most infamously disfigured faces still participate in this annual parade of freakery, the grande madame of the evening offered this lumpy slop on Monday: ‘I think fashion is a language. Like music is a language. And it’s a global language, so I think an event like tonight will have a global resonance…’
‘Hold my Chablis,’ slurred Kamala Harris. ‘That’s my word salad!’
Yes, the Mad Cackler was in attendance, dressed like a chocolate eclair, but the author of that verbal toilet splatter was none other than Vogue editor and gala host Anna Wintour.
‘We have guests coming from all over the world, so whether you’re in India, in Asia…sorry, Japan, or Europe or whatever, there will be many people here that you will know and recognize.’
Either Wintour’s taut visage is cutting off blood flow to her brain or she has zero idea why the Gala’s virtue-signaling theme was ‘Superfine: Tailoring Black Style.’
When the Material Girl doodled up the Gala’s blue carpeted steps in a white tux, smoking a prop cigar, I couldn’t tell if she was doing a Charlie Chaplin shuffle or had recently broken her hip.
The lady doth blabber too much, methinks. Either Wintour’s taut visage is cutting off blood flow to her brain or she has zero idea why the gala’s virtue-signaling theme was ‘Superfine: Tailoring Black Style.’
Though if she came up with this culture-appropriating concept on her own, did she also think of the celebrity monsters she helped create… from Kanye West to Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs?
How weird that the men who helped usher in a new Golden Age of creative blackness are absent (canceled and held in custody, respectively) on a night that celebrates black fashion.
But deep thought is for chumps… roll out the beautiful ghouls and let the gawking begin.
Androgynous androids
When the 66-year-old Material Girl doodled up the blue-carpet steps in her white tux, smoking a prop cigar, I couldn’t tell if she was doing a Charlie Chaplin shuffle or had recently broken her hip.
Give it to Madonna. The most recent iteration of her alien-face evolution passes as vaguely human, but her minders – hovering like asylum orderlies – seemed terrified that she was going to take a spill.
The Queen of Pop was one of what seemed like 50,000 women who wore wacky suits. How mortifying to show up looking like everyone else… and just as idiotic.
Unsuitable
Pink Pony-rider Chappell Roan looked like a Temu Dee Snider in her magenta Paul Tazewell suit. It did not Tazewell or fit well.
Rapper Janelle Monae, meanwhile, channeled Willy Wonka-era pimp, complete with a monocle, stiff rectangular overcoat and exaggerated shoulder pads. I was about to hand her the golden ticket… until she dropped her jacket at the afterparty to reveal little more than well-placed pasties on her well-endowed chest. You can write your own ticket with those beauties.
And who was the middle-aged lady-banker who snuck onto the carpet in her sensible Ann Taylor suit and Casual Corner red belt?
Never mind, that was Patrick Schwarzenegger.
Really, the dandy dudes fared no better than their unisex counterparts.
Pink Pony Club crooner Chappell Roan channeled a Temu Dee Snyder in her magenta Paul Tazewell suit.
Who was the middle-aged lady-banker who snuck onto the carpet in her sensible Ann Taylor suit and Casual Corner red belt? Never mind, that was Patrick Schwarzenegger.
Janelle Monae dropped her stiff overcoat on the blue carpet to reveal a figure-hugging suit beneath.
At PUBLIC’s Met Gala afterparty, Monae ditched her buttoned-up ensemble for a bustier and pasties.
Ungentlemanly
Striving one-hit wonder Shaboozey was downright out of place and uncomfortable, draped in Nana’s turquoise pearls and disturbingly lady-like.
Not to be outdone in the ‘what the hell is he wearing?’ department, actor Adrien Brody looked like a female extra stepped off the set of Falcon Crest. (And, yes, he was still giving his Oscar speech.)
Musician mastermind Andre 3000 wore his favorite accessory – a piano – strapped to his back. These Trump tariffs are really getting out of hand when artists are so worried about supply chain issues, they start humping their instruments to parties!
And race-hustling MSNBC host Al Sharpton appeared to take a page out of Seinfeld – wearing a frilly pirate shirt under his black tux. At least the sleeves helpfully distracted from his ill-fitting pants.
Hey, it’s hard to dress a broomstick. This former fat guy was rocking emaciated even before Ozempic was cool.
Shaboozey grinned in turquoise grills that matched his suit’s beading.
Adrien Brody looked like a female extra stepped off the set of Falcon Crest. (And he was still giving his Oscar speech.)
MSNBC host Al Sharpton appeared to take a page out of Seinfeld – wearing a frilly pirate shirt under his black tux.
Andre 3000 lugged a Steinway baby grand piano backpack up the Met’s steps.
Panty parade
Songstress Sabrina Carpenter didn’t Mountain Dew it for me in her Espresso-colored Louis Vuitton get up.
Apparently, she’d got dressed so fast she forgot to put on her pants!
Professional wife Hailey Bieber copied the bare-bum trend. But she forgot both her knickers and her troubled husband!
And Wicked’s Cynthia Erivo will haunt my dreams, looking like she’d lost the Freddy Krueger challenge on Ru Paul’s Drag Race. She crashed and burned with too many nails, too many prints and not enough over her undies.
Someone needs to run to Macy’s and fetch these broads a skirt.
Sabrina Carpenter’s espresso-hued ensemble didn’t Mountain Dew it for me.
Professional wife Hailey Bieber copied the pants-less trend. But she forgot both her knickers and her troubled husband!
And Wicked’s Cynthia Erivo will haunt my dreams as she looked like she lost the Freddy Krueger challenge on Ru Paul’s Drag Race.
Best to last…
But there were, of course, some winners lurking… Demi Moore looked radiant in her mini pool cabana/head cover; Kendall Jenner was tasteful and tasty in her chic gunmetal; Gigi Hadid was stunning in a recreation of a Josephine Baker gold gown; and Jenna Ortega was a sassy tamale in futuristic Balmain.
I wanted to love Pamela Anderson but I’m getting sick of the no-makeup flex. She’s starting to look like Dianne Wiest in a Mrs Doubtfire reboot.
Demi Moore looked divine in her sculptural, glittering gown fashioned to look like a larger than life neck tie.
Kendall Jenner was tasteful and tasty in her chic gunmetal.
Gigi Hadid stunned in a recreation of a Josephine Baker gold gown.
Jenna Ortega wore a metallic Balmain number made from silver measuring tape.
Sydney Sweeney knocked it out of the park in black Miu Miu that made everyone want more-more.
White Lotus star Walton Goggins fell flat, much like his costars.
Singer and actress Lisa – fashioned in Chanel – missed the mark.
I wanted to love Pamela Anderson but I’m getting sick of the no-makeup flex. She’s starting to look like Dianne Weist in a Mrs Doubtfire reboot.
Sadie Sink was an angel wearing Prada; Sydney Sweeney – who is often a hit and hard miss on big fashion nights – knocked it out of the park in black Miu Miu that made everyone want more-more!
Unfortunately, her White Lotus alumni didn’t possess the same black magic: Walton Goggins, Aimee Lou Wood and Lisa all fell flat.
The coconut milk was off for that doomed trio.
The Met is still the must-see fashion event of the year. Not because we love the looks like we did in years past… but because we can poke fun at everything wrong with the world that we now love to hate.