Dear Jane,
My husband and I have been together for over 20 years. I am in my late 40s and he is in his early 50s.
Sadly, my husband has early-onset dementia and his symptoms have become very bad in the past few months.
His memory problems now mean he often forgets who I am, and his personality has completely changed — it’s like he’s a different person than the man I married.
He can no longer work and — because of his confusion and disorientation — I have had to take a major step back from my own job to assist him.
Frankly, there is no love left in our marriage, and, as awful as it sounds, I am beginning to resent my husband for what his illness has done to my life.
At this point, I would like to walk away from my marriage with the fond memories I still have of my relationship without letting the resentment build more.
Would it be horrible for me to put my husband in a care home and move on with my life? We have a good amount of savings from over the years, so I can afford to put him in a great home.
Dear Jane: My husband has early-onset dementia. Can I put him in a home and sleep with other men?
Dear Jane…
Furthermore, if I do put him in a home, is it wrong for me to date and sleep with other men?
Technically we will still be married, as I don’t think it’s necessary to go through a divorce at this stage, but I don’t want to be tied down.
I want to explore connections with other men and experience intimacy again – my husband and I haven’t had sex in months.
From,
Dementia desperation
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Dementia desperation,
I am so deeply sorry about the enormous impact your husband’s illness is having on you and your marriage.
What comes across more than anything else in your letter is how lonely you are. To have shared your life with this man and to now find yourself essentially on your own must feel so isolating.
And the fact that you must face this loneliness whilst also having to care for him is probably adding huge amounts of stress to your life.
When we are experiencing stress, we aren’t in the best headspace to make smart decisions.
Now, I’m certainly not saying that your thoughts of walking away from your marriage and putting your husband in a home are wrong, but I do think that these are very important decisions that must be made with tremendous thought and care.
Making such a huge decision on impulse could lead you to have serious regrets later in life if you come to realize it was not the right choice.
I implore you to go online and find websites for the Alzheimer’s Association, the Alzheimer’s Foundation of America and the Well Spouse Association. These groups offer education, resources and, perhaps most importantly in your case, support groups.
Speaking to other women in these groups who are going through similar struggles, are dealing with the exact issues you are dealing with and have, perhaps, already navigated their way through this very difficult terrain will give you the strength and clarity to make the decision that is right for you.
I wish you well.